A day in the life of a zombie nurse

I knew nursing school would be difficult, and I was willing to sacrifice my dream to get my degree. I would come to class looking like something from the walking dead. I managed to get through the hard times in nursing school because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and there was. But gosh, can we turn off the light sometimes and come through every night?

Well, as you’ve probably figured out by now, I’m a zombie nurse. I graduated 6 years ago and work on a busy medical and surgical floor. 12 hour shifts are the norm, and I work mine three in a row. I guess you could say, I’m a glutton for punishment, and you’d be right. Many nurses choose to spread out their shifts throughout the week so they don’t get as tired. But I? No, I’m a die-hard. I figure if I’m already working, I might as well continue until I’m done, and then enjoy being off for four days. My boss thinks I’m crazy, but she would never admit that she’s right about that, because she already thinks it’s Einstein’s ghost.

My day starts at a ridiculous point. I’ve hit the alarm clock three times already, but he refuses to shut up. It’s like groundhog day all over again. It’s so early that the bats are still up and flying. I open my eyes again, only to realize that I slept through my last nap, and I have one minute and thirty seconds to shower, get dressed, eat, make coffee, and drive to work… way to go stupid. ! I curse, then swear my ass out of bed thinking I’ll be smarter tonight and go to bed earlier, so I can get up easily the next day. But it never happens. I’m such a liar!

I take a cold shower to wake up my lazy cells, then thank God and WonderWink I get to work in my pajamas. Man, I love my scrubs. I run downstairs, open the fridge and grab a moldy, unrecognizable piece of fruit (or something) and have no time for coffee. Yes, I hate my life now.

I look like Dog-doo because I don’t have any makeup on. Maybe that’s okay with some nurses. You know, the ones that are naturally fabulous at 6:00 in the morning, but not my ugly ass. I look like I’ve been dragged through a bush backwards, and it never fails. No one can shut up about my appearance at work. It has to be, “hey, you don’t seem to be feeling well” or “wow, you look tired.” Yes, I’m tired, and no, I’m not sick, I’m just terribly ugly without my Estee Lauder Halloween mask.

Trying to eat breakfast while listening to the report is a challenge, even for me. Now, I have a strong stomach, but why do all my patients have all the poop, vomit, and pus problems? I listen as I swallow the half-rotten banana and envy someone else’s McDonald’s. Everyone else seems much more organized and fresh. I can barely keep my eyes open to hear the report. Looks like I told Mrs. Nurse, “I want to get the hell out of here.” to give me a report, because she’s giving a report like she’s Speedy Gonzales, and she keeps blurting out, “she’s on the chart,” when I ask any question. God, it’s going to be a long day.

I feel like I ran a marathon, and it’s only 7:30 am. Time flies when you’re having fun! Drug reviews and approvals, doesn’t sound too bad, right? Haha, bad. All my patients are wrecked today, with a million medications, and we don’t have half of them. It’s time to call the pharmacy, and now I’m zombie chanting, “I love my job, I love my job.” aloud.

I’m already daydreaming about bedtime, but I complete my assessments without too much trouble. Well, except for the sweet old crazy woman who keeps asking me to find her socks (when she has them on). The patient next to him believes the mob is plotting to kill him and Mr. Gross, who keeps asking me to bathe his bed. Tell me why I became a nurse again.

I finish my morning check-in and feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. If I don’t drink massive amounts of caffeinated coffee, I’ll be flat. It’s time to quickly go to the cafeteria for a drink. Oh what do you know? They have a little, but he is so old and strong, that he is about to grow legs and walk on his own. What the hell, I need coffee! So I pay his stinking million dollars for a big coffee and run upstairs to see more of “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” starring my boss as Freddie Krueger.

She’s hell on wheels today, as she is most days. She sits at the desk and barks orders at us, and she has no idea what sickbay really is. The only time she rises from the dead to help out is when the Joint Commission is here, and she suddenly turns into Nancy Nurse and makes everyone recite the mission statement.

While I was out, one of my patients fell out of bed, trying to run away from the mob that guy came to visit. All I can think of is more paperwork. The patient is totally fine, but now I have a hundred years worth of paperwork. When I start working on the book I have to write, a relative of another patient comes to visit me. He wants to talk to me, so he stops what I’m doing and rushes to the patient’s room. She tells me that she’s not a nurse and says, “I’m not trying to do your job, but a friend of mine works in a nursing home and does something medical. She said you got my mom on too many antibiotics.” and that she’s on the wrong type.” Hmmm Really? I’ve reached my boiling point at this point, but I’m still trying to be nice. “Okay, let me check that out and I’ll call you.” under my breath as I walk away.

8 hours go by and I’m still flying like a witch on her broom. My chart isn’t finished yet, and I’m falling behind with every step I take. One great thing about being a nurse is that time goes by so quickly because you never come up for air.

At the end of each day, my bladder hurts from the need to urinate. I think I could win a pee holding competition hands down! I am a beast! My stomach is gurgling from lack of food and this day is becoming more like tales from the crypt. All I can think about is running out of dodge. But overtime is fast becoming an unsettling possibility. When will this end?

I manage to get my paperwork done, and my patients are finally happy (for now). Could it really be over? My relief arrives and I run into her arms like a cheesy love story. I’m elated that it’s all over for today. I can go home. Hurrah! I run to my car, noticing that it’s a full moon outside, even though I could have told you that without looking. I get in my car, start the engine, and breathe in utter relief. I look in the rearview mirror and jump out of my mind in fear. There is a scary monster looking at me. Oh wait, it’s just me after the 12 hour shift from hell.

On the way home I reflect on my day. I realize I’m a mess, but in a good way. I wouldn’t take anything for the witches I work with and the evil patients I occasionally run into. I love my life as a nurse and I wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. It may be crazy, but it’s my life and I love being a zombie nurse. Maybe I’ll just resign myself to sleep when I’m dead.

This is dedicated to all my zombie nurse friends around the world. Happy Halloween, zombie nurses! You are totally amazing!