The Thorny Maze of Expectations, Part 3 – Be careful when deciding what to expect from others

There is a hidden source of power or pain that many people often do not address. The truth is that expectations can have a far-reaching impact on the way people live their lives and the benefits they reap along the way. Expectations are assumptions about the future, what will or should happen, and they can profoundly influence your relationships, your self-confidence, your happiness, and your ability to navigate your path in life.

Relationships are profoundly affected by expectations. Unfortunately, some people, I would go as far as to say, do not give much consideration to what they expect of others and how these expectations may affect the health of their personal interactions. Our perceptions, opinions, and beliefs are often not challenged by us, as if they are impregnable because they are a large part of who we are and what we know. This article, the latest in a series on Expectations, offers some “do’s and don’ts” regarding your expectations of others.

Don’t expect others to think like you and believe what you believe.  

There is a real danger in assuming that others are wrong because their experiences and viewpoints differ from yours. When this damaging assumption prevails, the believer can assume an air of superiority that prevents active listening, conflict resolution, and the development of close, mutually beneficial relationships.

Do you tell yourself that you must continually prove that your opinions are correct and that being wrong is unacceptable? Do you think this need-to-be-right approach is a sign of strength? If you answer yes to both of these questions, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if you are experiencing relationship difficulties.

Relationships work much better when people are open-minded and committed to understanding and appreciating the other person’s point of view. Keep in mind that listening to and respecting the opinions of others does not necessarily mean that you agree, but rather that you acknowledge and support the other person’s right to think for themselves.

Don’t expect others to behave like you, have the same emotional reactions, and follow your rules.  

Where in the world do some people get the weird idea that they can decide what constitutes appropriate and acceptable behavior? What is the problem with this crazy idea that others should be like them, behave like them, and want what they want? This mindset resides outside of reality.

People are different, thank God for that! If you’re deluded by this narcissistic attitude, your relationships would be much better served by summarily dismissing this nonsense from your repertoire! Trust me, it can be a great relief to step down from the self-proclaimed position of great rule-giver to the universe.

People who fear those who behave differently or follow a different drummer live in a closed and threatening world of anger and frustration. Align your expectations with reality. H. Jackson Browne, the New York Times bestselling author of life’s little instruction bookYou are absolutely right when you point out, “People take different paths in search of fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your path doesn’t mean they’re lost.”

Don’t expect people to change for you  

Oh, I see this phenomenon all too often, particularly in love relationships! A romantic partner is so sure that the other person must make the changes that he or she considers important. This expectation may not have been presented to the other party or may overflow like a lead balloon if it has been suggested. You can request that someone make a change, but anything beyond that is usually a violation of healthy boundaries.

Learn to accept the other person’s flaws. Even better, she starts to love them for their flaws or eccentricities. You can turn those behaviors that frustrate you into something much more enjoyable. It’s a matter of how you frame this in your own mind. Consider these little sins as something that is part of what makes this person unique. It’s really your choice. Doing so not only improves relationships but also reduces stress in your life.

Don’t expect others to take responsibility for your decisions, your happiness, or your life.  

Expecting others to take care of you is a recipe for disaster. By abdicating your responsibility to yourself, you have increased the likelihood of disappointment, resentment, and complicated and unhealthy relationships. You are skating on thin ice if you expect any relationship to solve your problems or fill the gaps in your life.

Resentment abounds in situations where someone, usually out of fear or anxiety, enjoys personal control. Whether you give it willingly or with gratitude, negative feelings often arise when: the other person expects you to do what has been advised and you don’t like the recommendation or the other person doesn’t want the responsibility; or, God forbid, the person does not have your best interests in mind and gives you bad advice.

Others are ill-equipped to provide what will truly improve the quality of your life, because only you can do it. Trust yourself to make your life what you want it to be. If you rely on others to convince you that you are special, worthy, and successful, you put yourself in helpless/reactive mode. Instead of building positive feelings between you and this person, a mess often ensues. These situations rarely go well. Often, relationships are damaged, mutilated, or ruined by these entanglements.

Many of the clients I have seen over the years have been baffled by the effects of this way of thinking. And they were continually surprised at how badly this trust in “the relationship” served them. Some people even take this dependency to the extreme. Thus, the term “codependent” comes to mind, which is characterized by addictive, self-destructive, and relationship-destructive behavior. Healthy relationships are balancing acts with a commitment to independent and mutual goals and activities.

Don’t expect people to treat you fairly by your definition  

The misconception that life should be fair and everyone you come in contact with should treat you fairly is nothing but a problem. In therapy and training I call this the “you’ve got to be kidding” philosophy! The person obsessed with justice always keeps score. gag me! Of course, what constitutes fairness in this sense is up to the individual, a perplexing problem and a trap indeed.

But I have news for you. First newsletter — the world is not fair! Second Bulletin: Other people may not, and probably don’t, see justice the same way you do (surprised?). Oh well… you can’t make the rules or control how others think. But it will help if you understand and accept this adaptable and reasonable approach: treat others with dignity and refuse to allow anyone to mistreat you. Define abuse carefully and in moderation. Forget about fairness, which often involves unrealistic expectations of others and considers yourself the center of the universe which, of course, you are not.

Pay attention to what others do well; expect them to have strengths and possibilities that you are not aware of; communicate your faith in their futures; support them in their discovery 

As the statesman and naturalist Sir John Lubock postulates: “What we see depends chiefly on what we look for.” Let me give you an example of the importance and power of where you direct your focus. Over the years, I have worked with many parents who don’t know what to do because their child is misbehaving, sometimes in outrageous and even dangerous ways.

Many times I find that parents focus entirely on what the child is doing wrong, without paying attention to the many things the young person is doing right. I understand that parents feel overwhelmed and alarmed by misbehavior, but what they end up doing is telling the child out loud and clear how to get their attention, even if it’s negative.

You may be surprised to learn that even negative attention can be very comforting! I tell parents that they are often considered the “best game in town” by the child, that it can be fun for the child to misbehave and then watch the parents go crazy. When I ask about the child’s positive behaviors, I am often told that there are none. Now, unless the child is Damien in The Omen, I suggest to parents that we need to look more. Obviously, the child’s good deeds, calm moments, and reasonable behavior receive no attention. Parents are often surprised by changes in a child’s behavior when they pay less attention to negative behavior and more to positive behavior. They look at me like I’m a genius! The clinical advice is “Catch them doing good.” This same principle works just as well for adult relationships.

You can find more information about expectations in my book on Positive Psychology, It’s Your Little Red Wagon… Six Fundamental Strengths to Navigate Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams), Available on Amazon.com.

Copyright 2009. Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D.