The long-term effects of not supporting children during their grievance and grieving process

I can only speak from my own experience. This is all I know. Others may have experienced what I experienced in a different way, with different results, but this is what happened to me.

My 7 year old sister died in an accident when I was 12 years old. My whole family was devastated. My mom and dad were so distraught that they just couldn’t talk about what had happened or about my sister who died. They couldn’t talk about the tragic loss that made such a huge end point in their lives to the point that for the next 15+ years my sister’s name was mentioned less than a handful of times. My mother died last year, 30 years after my sister, and neither of us have talked about what happened to my sister. It is still a taboo subject, buried both in our minds and in our consciousness.

At twelve years old I was in my early teens and teen years and the normal angst that came with them was buried under the weight of my sister’s death and the emotional chaos that ensued within me.

My sister’s sudden death was so shocking that I have very few memories of her: within weeks of her death I had blocked out Christmas which happened just 9 days before she died. I still haven’t recovered those memories.

When my sister died there was physical and emotional chaos as we moved to stay with my grandparents for a few weeks. In one afternoon my whole life turned upside down and I barely remember those early days. Life consisted of organizing the funeral. The church was packed with friends, family, and just about everyone from my sister’s school. It was an overwhelming experience. I still remember my dad fighting back tears as we stood in church during the service.

Once my sister was buried, that was it. The talk and comfort that had not taken place until now still did not take place. I was overwhelmed with grief and emotions and yet they were not addressed. Days, weeks and months passed in silence. I started to accept on some level that we weren’t going to talk about what had happened. I was left alone with my own thoughts as a way of coping: my friends at school had even been instructed by teachers not to talk to me about my sister. He was completely alone and could not understand the silence. However, there seemed to be no way to break it. I did not know what to say. And as time went by, I began to think that if my parents didn’t talk about Simone more, maybe it was because she wasn’t that important. Perhaps they had forgotten her. Maybe they didn’t love her. And if they didn’t love her, they didn’t love me either. Without emotional or physical comfort (we were not a family that hugged or told each other that we loved them) I felt that I had nothing to say that this was not true. So I started to believe that. Now I was not only dealing with the loss of my sister and the silence of my parents, but it was also having a profound impact on my own worth and self-esteem. I started to hate myself. The bread was overwhelming.

I didn’t see my parents doing anything wrong or being neglectful because I didn’t feel mistreated. They were doing the best they could, and nobody can do more than that.

I’m still working on these themes from my childhood. It is a long and lonely journey and although I no longer hate myself, I am quick to judge myself and have suffered long periods of depression all my life.

Today there are more resources available for those experiencing the loss of a child. In 1980, my parents were forced to fend for themselves. My surviving sister received counseling for a few weeks but received nothing. At 12 years old, she was caught between the world of the adult and that of the child. I would rather engage in adult conversation than play with my sisters, I was a responsible kid, I organized my own homework, I walked 8 miles across town to school every day, so my family saw me as a ‘adult’, however, inside, emotionally, he was still a child. And although I needed love and affection and someone to talk to at this very sad time, I did not get it, my emotional needs were not met.

I am sharing this because I want to raise awareness about this issue. If you have suffered the loss of a child, make sure the needs of your surviving children are met. This may not be easy to determine, especially if they are normally quiet and don’t share much. However, you should make sure there is a provision for your child if you need it. It could be asking one of their friends (if your child is 11 or older) to watch them, or it could be asking a close family member or friend to make a special time for them where they are free to talk if they want. It could be just doing things as a family and reassuring everyone how much you love them in a tangible way (buying toys doesn’t count!). Find resources in your local area or online that can help. Grieving and bereavement is difficult not only for you, but also for your children. If you can’t help them, find someone who can.