After being married for so long and for most of our lives, my husband suddenly doesn’t love me

It can feel devastating when you’ve given so much of your adult life to your spouse and family, and then one day it seems like your spouse is ready to throw away everything you’ve worked for. There are many unpleasant factors about aging, but having a middle-aged spouse experiencing a midlife crisis and thinking that you or your marriage is the problem can be maddening. It may seem that no matter what you do, he is not sure if he wants to be with you anymore, even though you haven’t done anything wrong and nothing has changed significantly apart from your spouse’s perception of life and what (or who) want on it.

Someone might say, “I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years. We met when we were still children. We have been through a lot together: finishing college, building our careers, having children, fighting illness, caring for our parents. , and financial ups and downs. Whatever and we’ve been through it together. I’ll say the last three years have been particularly challenging. We started a business together and things didn’t go according to plan. We struggled hard to keep the business going, but eventually we had We didn’t want to lose everything in a failing business. So letting go of this dream was devastating for us. But after the sale, things sorted out and it felt like a relief. Except that my husband has become a Little crazy. Now that you don’t have the business taking up all your time, you’ve decided you need to take some time off and find yourself. You are going to travel a lot. I assumed you would do at least some of this I traveled with him, but he told me that he wants to go completely alone and that he wants to evaluate what he wants out of life. He also says that he can decide that he no longer wants our marriage. I am devastated by this and I feel discarded. He swears there is no one else, but I feel so betrayed. I have given this man so many years of my life and now he may not love me anymore. I’ve supported him through thick and thin. And now that we are approaching the time in our lives when our children are becoming less troublesome and hopefully we should recover financially and be able to enjoy life, does he suddenly want to escape? I’m not sure what to do about it. I know this is his life and he can make his own decisions, but it is our marriage. And it makes me feel really bad to be pushed aside like this. “

I know how you feel. I, too, went through a marital separation at a time when I thought I was way beyond the age to care about it. But life happens sometimes. I got over it. I am still married today. But my husband also went through some things that made our lives a bit difficult for a while. Below, I will do my best to offer some tips that I found helpful.

As much as you can, try to take a step back and imagine what he is feeling.: I am not justifying your husband’s behavior. But I think once you can see things from their point of view, you can create the posture that will make things better and not worse. I say this from experience. My first response when my husband started complaining about being unhappy was to tell him that he was being self-centered and that he was crazy if he thought that life is always sunshine and roses. But of course, when you have this kind of response, the unhappy person will get defensive and think that you don’t care about their dilemma. Instead, try to sympathize with the fact that you probably see yourself as a middle-aged man now having to bounce back from a major financial blow. This situation would be stressful for anyone. He could be beating himself up for it. You could have hoped that you could be a better provider for your family. If you can see him struggling instead of selfish, this helps tremendously. This mindset allows you to be a bit more empathetic and approachable and that is probably what he is looking for a lot more than someone hinting that he is wrong or suggesting that he just get out of it.

If he insists on taking the time, do the same: Some men who fight this way absolutely insist on having their space and will not be convinced to give it up. Sometimes you can try to come to an agreement – you can offer to stay with friends while he fixes. But not all men are going to accept this. So if you insist on traveling, moving, or whatever you need to do, try to use the time to your advantage. Men don’t find it attractive when you’re just waiting for them to make up their minds. Instead, you want to actively work on yourself – see friends, go to therapy, pursue your own hobbies, and keep busy. Your husband will likely pick up on this and it is much better than just waiting or continuing to demand more of you when you resist so much. I know it’s difficult, but I promise you it makes time go by faster and improves their perception of you.

Maintain positive communication: The truth is, many of these husbands eventually find their way through their midlife crisis or struggles. Many just need time. Unfortunately, it is so easy to debate, pressure, and argue during this time that our marriage is often damaged and the separation can drag on or even turn into a divorce if we don’t play this right. That is why I cannot stress enough how important it is to maintain positive and supportive communication. I know how challenging this application is. But I also know that when you argue, avoid or have multiple misunderstandings, you are less likely to get back together. The best thing to do is to reconnect during this. Some people do this through counseling and others simply maintain a supportive relationship until their husband’s struggles pass. Once they do, you may need to examine your marriage for weaknesses, but it’s easier to do so once he’s in a better place. And at least you haven’t done any more damage while you’re apart.