Two views on forgiveness

You’ve probably heard the saying “To err is human; to forgive is divine” (Alexander Pope, An essay on criticism, 1711). That is a good way of saying that forgiveness is not easy. But we know, right? One of the critical things for people who want to do serious self-improvement / self-esteem work is forgiving those who have hurt them (or who believe they have hurt them). Many people just can’t do that because they think it somehow allows the person to “get out of trouble” and condones the “bad deed” they did. It does not have to be this way. It all depends on how you view forgiveness and who is in control: you or the offender.

There are several points of view on forgiveness and I would like to share two of them with you: that of Dr. Laura Schlessinger and that of Dr. Fred Luskin. Why? Because they are very different in their approach and it gives you a choice of how you want to deal with forgiveness.

Dr. Laura says on You Tube (and I’m sure she says it in her writing) that four things must be present for you to forgive someone else and she calls them the four R.

• Responsibility. The offender must take responsibility for what is dome.
• Remorse. They should show some degree of remorse for what they did to hurt you.
• Fix. They would like to make up for it or “fix” it in some way.
• Repetition. They are taking steps to never do it again.

The problem with this approach is that it gives the offender control. It can leave you carrying the anger and pain for a long time if the responsibility for forgiveness rests with the offender and the offender refuses to deal with it or is indifferent. What if they never show remorse? How do you know if the regret is real? How do you know they’re sincere when they say they won’t do it again? The person who offended you is in a position of power and you become the victim.

On the other hand, Dr. Fred Luskin claims that forgiveness is a choice, your choice. In his book, Forgive forever, states that there are three preconditions that must be met before forgiving. These are:

• Know what your feelings are about what happened.
• Be clear about the action that hurt you
• Share your experience with at least one or two trusted people.

Luskin states, “Forgiveness is the feeling of peace that arises when you take your pain less personally, take responsibility for how you feel, and become a hero rather than a victim in the story you tell. Forgiveness is the experience peace in the present. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the present. Forgiveness means that even though you are hurt, you choose to hurt and suffer less. Forgiveness means that you become part of the solution. Forgiveness is the understanding that pain is a normal situation. part of life. Forgiveness is for you and no one else. You can forgive and rejoin a relationship or you can forgive and never speak to the person again. “

This vision of forgiveness takes him out of his victimhood and places him in a position of power. It gives you the freedom to choose if you want to reconcile once the forgiveness is made and does not leave you with anger, hatred or grudges.

It’s up to you. I choose peace.

References: Lusin, Dr. Fred, Forgive Forever: A Proven Recipe for Health and Happiness. Harper-Collins Publishers, Inc. NY, 2002 and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFZ-2VCydq8