Relationship Breakups – Part 1 – Flowing With Your Feelings

It can feel comfortable and smooth to walk on, or it can be rocky and painful, but at least you know where you stand. She recently ended a relationship with a man she loved. It was her call, not mine. To our credit, she finished with love and respect. Yes, we had felt some pebbles on our way together. But his decision to end the relationship knocked me off my feet and into the void.

When a relationship ends, we are inevitably thrown into a void or an abyss, where there is still nothing solid to land on. This is when the emotional roller coaster speeds up. Falling into the void feels disoriented and we don’t know where or when we will land on our feet again.

Living in the void is a critical time to really dance and flow with our feelings. My own relationship loss reminds me how powerful our emotions are. We feel the grievance, sadness and loss not only of the person, but also of the dreams we had and the opportunities that have not yet been realized. Even those who initiate the breakup are not immune to this, although the degree of their emotional suffering is different from those who stayed behind.

I was reminded of one of my children’s favorite stories when they were little. It was about a family going on a bear hunt. On their way they encountered obstacles such as a swampy swamp or a dark forest. Inevitably, the conclusion was: “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it. Oh no! We have to go through it!” Our healing comes from moving through and flowing with our feelings, not repressing or denying them.

There is discomfort in the void, often bordering on pain. Literally, our hearts ache. seethe with anger He curls up in despair. However, it is very important to take time in this void. Emotions live on a spectrum, and when we limit the downside risk of pain, we simultaneously limit the upside reward of joy and love. If we rush through the grievance process we run the risk of leaving some unresolved pain and issues within us that will further stake a future relationship.

Recently, one of my sons developed an infection. He stubbornly grew into a swollen, painful abscess under the skin. Eventually, the toxins built up to the point where the abscess burst, releasing the infection as pus. It was the relief the doctor and I had hoped for, but it was still painful. However, to complete my son’s healing process, it was not enough. The doctor had to make a small incision in the visual wound to enlarge it. He had to probe into the wound with medical instruments and disinfectant to make sure all the pus was actually coming out of my son’s body. The wound had to be intentionally left open for a few days to make sure everything drained and healing was complete.

Experiencing this drama with my son while living in the void of my relationship breakup was a great enlightenment for me. Just as my doctor selected from various medical instruments to probe my son’s wound, here are some recommendations on how to carefully probe our own wounds to ensure complete healing.

1. Use your breath

One strategy I have been using effectively is to welcome and breathe into my wounded heart. I am celebrating each wave of sorrow or sadness as a sign of how willing I was to open my heart in love. Every day I feel that my heart grows stronger, more capable of loving myself and others.

When you feel a whisper of strong emotions beginning to surface, make sure to breathe deeply and consciously. Shallow breathing does not allow enough oxygen to enter the body and creates stress. Deep abdominal breaths help calm the ego mind which may start racing with thoughts in an effort to avoid pain. Taking deep breaths during an emotional moment will help you digest your feelings and help you regain a sense of calm and groundedness more quickly.

2. Your diary is your gauze

A diary is like clean, sterile gauze for an open wound. A journal is a safe place to collect all those inner thoughts and feelings that need to be released. I would even say that life in the void requires a diary. Otherwise, the unreleased feelings and toxic thoughts that are created in a relationship breakup simply continue to run rampant within your consciousness. It is also the gateway to connect with the wisdom and gift of why you have manifested this situation in the first place. There are no hits and misses about how to keep a journal correctly. That is just the cawing of the ego mind. Just try journaling.

3. Music medicine

Music is a powerful tool to explore and help you release emotions. A particular melody or lyric can touch your heart to cheer you up or stir up the pot of sadness and pain. If you feel numb and don’t know how to encourage the release of your emotions, music can do it. Some of my favorite songs to connect and be at peace with those sad emotions include “The Power of Good-Bye”; Madonna’s “Fix You”; from Coldplay and “What Goes Around Comes Around”; by Justin Timberlake. In terms of connecting with anger, there is no such thing as “You should know”; by Alanis Morissette to help you feel it. Feel free to add your own personal favorites by commenting on my blog.

4. Celebrate your tears

Yes, this is the time for tears. There’s no need to bottle them or keep a stiff upper lip. Talk to a friend or out loud to yourself and enjoy a good cry. I’m training with renowned author and relationship expert, Dr. Barbara De Angelis, and she offered a beautiful analogy for feelings. She explains that feelings flow like water. When we bottle them, resist them, or deny them, it is as if we are freezing water into ice chips around our hearts. The tears we shed when we release our emotions are simply the ice that melts around our hearts. Celebrate your tears not as a sign of weakness or need, but as a sign that you are honoring your heart and growing stronger.

5. Give yourself time

Breakups are painful and people struggle to get out of that pain. Quick new relationships, addictions, gossip, and ignoring personal health are all ways we try to distract or numb the pain. We cannot be too quick to heal the wound and we need time to heal from the inside out. Sometimes our loved ones, who hate to see us suffer, can urge us to move quickly and out of the void. But the void is where we will find the wisdom of relationship breakup, so we must take the time to do our own inner work.