jealousy in lesbian relationships

When I was a child my mother always told me: “Don’t be jealous of others. Don’t wish for what others have. Don’t fight to possess and control someone, because in the end you will be alone as nothing belongs to us, but it is merely an experience” . She was a Buddhist sage who tried to calm the tantrums of young teenagers of wishes that did not come true.

It is true today that I rarely feel jealousy or envy, which I attribute to my upbringing and the love I was given as a child. For this reason, in the spirit of my mother, I would like to leave a footnote to know that I hope it lightens the weight of those emotions that are hungry in our soul: jealousy, anger and envy.

I have often heard in therapy and in my own life people project this emotion as a trigger for another person’s behavior: “She makes me jealous. It’s her fault she makes me like this.” Basically, when it comes to jealousy, we quickly pass the blame onto our partner as the creator of this unwanted feeling. Unfortunately, they are often not to blame, since no person can create feelings and emotions within us. Only I have the power to create and control what is inside of me.

Now I know, some of you are thinking “stop this Zen shit, it’s definitely not me, it really is her”. Well, sure, these are cases where partners work really hard to make you jealous, but I’d bet money that they’re very jealous people themselves, and they’re both in hot water suffering from the same illness just with different symptoms. The disease is one that you probably know as low self-esteem and insecurity.

When we have negative beliefs about ourselves, we lose our balance and feel very powerless before the world. We’ll even try to take back this power by negotiating with our partners saying things like, “If you didn’t do it… then I wouldn’t react this way.” However, this has very little success in the real world, often not even achieving your goal because this is not a balance within yourself and just a quick exchange of false power.

So to eliminate jealousy we just need to look within ourselves and start the change there, by addressing our beliefs that create the emotions. Your relationship will change once you eliminate jealousy, and even anger and envy will subside.

Here is how to start the process:

• Build your inner power, so you see that you have control over your emotions and don’t become a bulldozer that is reactive.
• Look at the full image. What are you jealous of? What is the underlying emotion. Focus: is it perhaps fear, abandonment, unworthiness that you are experiencing? Delay your reaction by understanding where it’s coming from?
• What are your inner core beliefs about yourself and the world? Does it identify your triggers? Example: I am jealous of my girlfriend, because I am afraid that she will leave me and that she will leave me for someone better.
• The fact that you feel and believe something does not make it a fact. Learn to separate and question yourself.
• Be the creator of your inner world. You have the ability to create the images you project in your mind and the emotions you choose to experience.

Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru