Is there a passive-aggressive person in your life?

At best, his behavior is dishonest. At worst, it’s abusive. But you may not even have noticed. That’s because a passive-aggressive person can be so subtle that you may not realize their supposed joke was actually a hostile comment. Or their procrastination to do something you need is really their way of making you suffer. Or countless other covert behaviors.

When an abusive person hits you, you know you have to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Likewise, when a passive-aggressive (PA) person pretends to behave lovingly toward you, but actually causes you psychological pain, you need to make a change. And you can only change the way you behave, not the PA. But before you can make a change, you must identify the PA.

Conflict avoidance. It’s hard to recognize a person who is always nice and gets along as someone with a problem. In the case of passive-aggressives, conflict of any kind is so difficult for them that they avoid it at great cost to themselves and others. They are unable to express anger in a healthy way, so it is encouraged. This can contribute to their low self-esteem, which, when combined with aggressive and domineering behavior, is a toxic mix. This toxicity builds up every time they say “yes” when they should have said “no.” Then your self-loathing and your resentment towards others increases. It is a downward spiral.

Inability to say no. This is the same side of the coin as conflict prevention. A passive-aggressive person cannot say no to anyone or anything. He needs acceptance but when he capitulates it feeds his lack of self-esteem, which makes him feel worse. Still, he will tell you that he does, he will be on the committee and then he won’t show up for meetings. O Yes, he will work on the project, but then he won’t have any work done when he needs it. And when you ask him about it, he will be vague. Ambiguity is another hallmark of a PA.

Propensity to procrastinate. A PA will find it difficult to meet any deadlines, even ones they set for themselves. He will procrastinate and procrastinate until any goal is impossible to achieve. In this way he sabotages the effort he is making until you do it yourself. Or he decides never to ask him again because it’s easier to do it yourself. And he refrains from performing any future tasks, which has been his secret goal all along.

The root causes of passive aggressiveness are varied and complex. When dealing with a personal assistant, it’s hard to know why the person is the way they are, let alone what to do about it. Next week we will talk about strategies for managing PA in your life.