I want to take my time to do some soul searching after the adventure, but I feel pressured

I sometimes hear from husbands and wives (as well as the faithful spouse and the cheating spouse) who are being criticized for their decision to take time to do some soul searching after one spouse has been unfaithful or had an affair. .

An example of a cheating husband is something like: “After my wife found out I was having an affair, she wanted to go to counseling right away and save our marriage. She demanded that I stop seeing the other person and I commit to a full lifestyle. change. He wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with my life or our marriage. I asked for some time to think about what I really wanted from my marriage and from my life. She did not react well to this request. she said that if she loved her and valued our marriage, she wouldn’t need time to make a decision. Am I out of line in asking for this time? I just want to move slowly so whatever choice I make is the right one. .”

Here’s an example of a wife in the opposite situation: “My husband admitted to having an affair because he wanted to tell me himself instead of me finding out from someone else. He told me he would do whatever it took to restore my trust.” and to save our marriage. I really wanted to believe him, but it hurts a lot. I don’t think healing is going to be a quick or easy process. And I’ve told her that I’m going to need some time to do some thinking and some soul searching before I can give her an answer about our marriage. But he doesn’t seem ready to accept this. He wants my forgiveness and commitment immediately. Am I wrong for wanting to take my time and process this?”

Actually, I advocate soul searching in both scenarios. Emotions run high and confusion is common on both sides. Decisions made too quickly or based on strong, immediate emotions after an affair can often turn out to be unfortunate or unhealthy decisions. But if you take your time and allow your decision-making process to change and adjust as you learn more and begin to heal, then you can be more confident that you’ve made a healthy and appropriate decision. I understand that spouses and family members tend to be impatient and judgmental when it’s clear you’re taking your time before making a decision, but sometimes you have to think about what’s best for you rather than what someone else thinks is the best. for them.

How to handle it when your spouse or family tries to rush you when you want time to do some soul searching: Many people feel pressured when they hear criticism about their time frame. Try to tell yourself that you need to do what is right for you, and by doing so, you are increasing your chances of a healthy outcome. Frankly, agreeing to something you’re uncomfortable with actually makes your marriage more likely to suffer because you’re not really sure about your decision. So if you’re feeling some pressure from your spouse about your soul-searching, you can say something like, “I know you’re frustrated and impatient, but the fact that I’m taking this time for myself is something that matters a lot to me. I need it.” take it.” my time to make sure decisions or actions are the right ones. My emotions and doubts are running high right now and if I make a hasty decision, I’m afraid of making the wrong one. I need time to process what is happening and really listen to what I am thinking and feeling. I am also very aware that my feelings and desires may change throughout this process, so I don’t want to rush things. I ask that you respect my need for time because I believe that going at my own pace will result in one that we are both very happy with. If I went ahead and made a decision based on pressure, there would be resentment and doubt, which is not good for any of us. I ask that you honor my request for time because you love me and want the best for me and my marriage.”

Most spouses and family members who really want what’s best for you will eventually catch on and stop pushing you. I firmly believe that a slow pace and a little introspection is best any time you have doubts or concerns. Often the best answers and resolutions come when you give yourself time to process and determine what you really want. In short, it’s never a waste of time to take all the time you need.