I constantly find myself feeling jealous after my spouse’s affair

I often hear from wives who feel very insecure and jealous after their husband’s affair. This jealousy is not always limited to the other woman in the affair. To her surprise, the wife can feel jealous of many people, even if she is not naturally jealous or envious. This may be because her perception of herself (and the world around her) has been shaken by the affair.

She might say, “I’m not a jealous person by nature, but ever since my husband had an affair six months ago, I find my nasty, jealous side comes out. Unfortunately for me, the other woman is everything I’m not. She It’s high maintenance and well groomed She dresses to the nines and is botox friendly I’m a very casual person who wears little makeup Exercise is important to me so I keep myself in great shape but I’m not someone who’s going to try to look like a runway model if I just go to the supermarket. I have a family and a job, so I try to look presentable, but I have other things to worry about. However, since my husband’s affair, I’ve now I’ve started to pay a lot of attention to my appearance. I’m noticing that I have wrinkles and I’m starting to develop a double chin. I’ve tried to dress better, but I feel a little silly and definitely uncomfortable. If I’m in a grocery store store and I see a pretty and well-groomed woman, then I immediately feel that her life is better than mine and I wonder if she is the type of woman my husband would choose if he cheated on me again. I also find myself jealous of women who never had children or who don’t put their children first. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes I feel like staying home with my kids and putting my kids first has made me less interesting to my husband and less attractive in general. I’m jealous of career women who can’t do anything but enjoy their weekends or have spa days. I would never think of doing either. Lately, I’m pretty jealous of anyone other than me. Sometimes I feel like an unattractive big loser.”

I fully identify with what you say. I went through the same set of feelings. I will share some things that finally helped me over time. Right after my husband’s affair, I really felt horrible. I became so critical of myself and had some of the same feelings about the fact that I had focused on motherhood. One day I was talking to a friend of mine who is childish and I confessed how much I envied her. She then admitted that she envied ME because she could see how much love she had for my children and vice versa. She said that she was jealous that all my life she would have two other people in the world whom she loved more than life itself. This was going to be true no matter what happened in my marriage or in other areas of my life. My friend said that no one could take away my motherhood, nor my love for (and from) my children. I couldn’t argue with this. So my friend insisted that I underestimated my appearance. She said sure, she wasn’t always heavily made up, but she had a natural beauty that didn’t require heavy use of cosmetics to enhance it. I appreciated this, but I didn’t always believe it.

Then, a few weeks later, something very sad happened. For about 20 years, I had this ultra-competitive relationship with a friend from high school, who then went to the same college as me. This woman was so accomplished and talented. We often competed for the same internships, jobs, etc. She almost always beats me. She never had children and traveled the world, which was something she really wanted to do, but she knew she might never get the chance considering my obligations. Anyway, we had kind of a love/hate relationship. My admiration of her for her made me see what I didn’t have. I spent a lot of time being envious and thinking that she had everything, until she got really sick. The point I am trying to make is that you never know what life is going to bring you. Those people at the grocery store who you assume have everything may have a sick parent at home. Or they can go to an empty house and watch TV alone. Things are not always as they seem. It can always seem like someone else has it better than you. But equally, someone will always have it worse than you.

I learned to start appreciating what I had. Sure, she had some wrinkles. But otherwise he was healthy. Yes, I had prioritized my children and there were some sacrifices with that, but isn’t that something worthwhile? At the same time, I made some changes that increased my confidence level. I changed my hair, fixed my teeth and upgraded my wardrobe. I gave myself permission to take better care of myself and carve out some time (and living expenses) just for myself. I decided that a happy mom was going to mean happy kids. At the same time, I was very careful to make sure that she wasn’t just chasing an idea of ​​what she thought she should look like. I focused on what I really liked and not what I thought my husband would like. I also took a few classes and finally started to pursue my own work. That way, if my marriage didn’t survive, I could have confidence that it would be okay.