How to deal with advance complaint

Anticipated grievance is the name given to the combination of emotions we experience when we live in expectation of loss and grieve over it. Anticipatory Grief is particularly relevant to those who have received a terminal diagnosis and those who love and care for them.

Terminal diagnosis changes the very fabric of our existence, taking away control and our ability to hope and plan for the future. When someone we love becomes terminally ill, we become painfully aware of the fragility of life and may even fear for our own mortality.

Living in expectation of death makes us experience many of the symptoms and emotions of grief that is suffered when a loved one has died, among them; shock, anger, denial, physical and emotional pain, helplessness, and sadness. Depression is common, and changes in eating, sleeping, and bowel habits can also occur.

The forecast increases our agitation; it is inevitable that we begin to count the days until the estimated time of death and see the dawn of each day as something that brings us closer to it. Some may feel a sense of surrealism and an inability to fit back into their pre-diagnosis pattern of life, this is often intensified by the reaction of friends and acquaintances, who may be dealing with their own shock and dismay at the news and not knowing what to do or say, avoid us.

It may take some time before we can truly accept that our loved one is dying, and during this time we may experience alternating periods of acceptance and denial. Often the need breeds acceptance for the caregiver as they need to make decisions about the best available options for caring for their loved ones. However, the patient may choose not to accept the prognosis and it is important for the caregiver to recognize and support their need to live in hope of a cure. Hope is paramount to your loved one’s quality of life and may even contribute to longer survival.

Whether our grievance is anticipated or due to the death of a loved one, there is a very real need to talk to someone about the roller coaster of emotions we are experiencing. However, this is not always easy to do, due to a number of reasons that can include; trying to stay strong for the patient, trying to stay strong for the kids, trying to put on a brave face for other family members and friends.

Counseling, while readily available, is resisted by many, who believe that no one could possibly understand what they are feeling, or do anything about it.

Speaking from my own experience of anticipated grievance due to my husband’s terminal illness, I initially had these feelings and it was with some trepidation that I went to my first counseling session. Hearing my story, the counselor wept, further strengthening my opinion that she couldn’t help me. I was wrong; after a few visits I began to see the benefit of these sessions and looked forward to seeing her every week. Here, at least for a short while, he could stop acting like everything was fine; when nothing was right, here I could put on my brave face and lower my defenses.

The only problem with counseling is that it will not always be available when you need it. I highly recommend keeping a journal for these occasions. During the two years of my husband’s terminal illness, my journal was arguably my strongest survival tool, I wrote in it every day, often in the form of poetry, pouring my anger, fear, and pain onto the pages. . Periodically, I would read it and through this I got to know myself very well; later I could see my strength come out.

Excerpts and poems from my journal now form an important part of my book “Lean on Me” Cancer Through the Eyes of a Caregiver.