How to be aware that you are in a codependent relationship and what you can do about it

You know that your spouse has a problem and needs your help and support. And you’ve always prided yourself on being there for him. But now you have realized that maybe this is not a good thing. Perhaps you have become dependent on your need for him?

Codependency used to simply refer to those people linked to people who suffered from alcoholism or drug abuse. However, psychologists today have a broader definition. “It’s really about emotionally unhealthy people who can obsess over the pain and suffering of other people’s dependencies,” says Carol Cannon, MA, counselor and director of The Bridge to Recovery program in Bowling Green, Kentucky.

Six signs you’re in a codependent relationship

So are you codependent? How can you know? Here are six signs that could suggest you’re in a codependent relationship.

1. Are you obsessed with fixing and rescuing people in need? Codependents are more oriented to the reality of others than to their own; they want to be someone else’s savior, which makes them feel happy with themselves.

2. Are you easily absorbed in other people’s pain and problems?

3. Are you trying to control someone? Is someone trying to control you? Need is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person’s happiness depends on having the other person right there, right now. Not letting you go out with friends, calling frequently to check on you, having to be with you all the time: these are controlling behaviors.

4. Do you do more than your fair share, all the time? Many codependent people were the favorite children because they did more: take care of the sick parent, get A’s, clean the house. However, as an adult, when this behavior is carried out, it can result in that person feeling like a martyr, victimized for doing it all.

5. Are you always looking for approval and recognition? Low self-esteem is a mark of codependency. A codependent person judges himself harshly; they have difficulty asking others to meet their needs and do not believe they are worthwhile or lovable.

6. Would you do anything to maintain a relationship? Are you afraid of being abandoned? Many adults in codependent relationships come from families where they felt unloved or abandoned by one or both parents. This makes them willing to put up with a lot to keep their partner with them.

Reading the signs, you think you may be in a codependent relationship, now what? You should leave? Get advice? It’s hard to think about yourself and your needs after concentrating on your spouse’s needs for so long and adjusting to your spouse’s problems, demands, and moods. But it’s time to put yourself back in the center, take control and think about what’s best for you.

Like any problem, you need to understand what the root cause is, says David A Baron, MSEd, DO, chair of psychiatry at Temple University Health System. “Often the facilitator feels guilty about the situation. He cares about the other individual in the relationship; [they] I know there is a good side to this person. They hope against hope that they can get back to the good old days, even when it’s clear that nothing will change.” At some point, they have to realize that the situation has to change, he says. “They have to go beyond their emotions and look at history of behavior. This has been a pattern. When you can get past the emotions and examine the facts, write them down. Make a little timeline or scorecard of misbehavior.”

Where to look for help? Getting professional advice from a mental health worker, psychologist, or family doctor can give you the strength to break out of a codependent relationship, says Baron. Twelve-step programs also help and are free. Group therapy also works well. You meet people who have been through what you have, who can offer advice at a grassroots level instead of approaching you as an authority figure.

Jeanne McKeon, EdD, a psychologist at the Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Addiction Medicine in Boston, suggests short-term family therapy that can be very effective. “You don’t have to go into years of analysis. You’re looking at the family, how it’s affecting everyone, what the game plan should be. Bringing everyone together evens things out so no one feels blamed.”

There is so much information and assistance for those who suffer from codependency; all you need is to gain the knowledge of that information and the strength to ask for help. And, of course, the more you understand codependency and how it affects you and your relationships with your family and friends, the better you’ll be able to cope with its effects.