Forgiveness is more than words, it is a process

How many times have we heard, “Just forgive her.” Like it’s something we can do automatically, like turning on a light switch. If it was really that easy, we’d probably do it. However, it is not. Forgiveness is a process.

Many religions decree that it is necessary to forgive in order to be considered a good person. Insist that we can reduce our anger or resentment by forgiving others. Some religions, and perhaps even some people we know, can use forgiveness as a weapon to make us feel guilty and forgive. Holding that withholding forgiveness makes us a bad person, or that we may never be able to heal emotionally. The reality is that in order to forgive we must first work through our feelings. And whether we are able to forgive or not does not determine the type of person we are.

Forgiveness is not always easy

Therefore, many of us spiritual beings also want to be able to forgive, but sometimes it is not that easy. There is a certain peace that comes with forgiveness. A release from a burden and often a gift of serenity.

Certainly, there are some things that are easier to forgive than others:

• Harsh words that a friend or loved one said in anger and now regrets.

• Emotional wounds that have long since faded and healed over time.

• Repair a relationship that is worth more than the anger that severed it.

We may even have to forgive ourselves for some things:

• Past mistakes

• Opportunities you wish you could take earlier in life.

• The things you didn’t say until it was too late.

The benefits of forgiveness

From my perspective, forgiveness can be something we really want to do, but we struggle with it. But if we feel it is in our highest good to do so, then ultimately, hopefully, we will take the steps to overcome the feelings that get in the way of forgiving.

When we say, or hear, “I forgive you, but I will never forget you.” This usually means that we have not really forgiven. There is still a level of anger or resentment that we are experiencing that needs to be resolved. To say it is not necessarily to mean it.

Although some believe that giving for our own benefit is selfish, I see it differently. I see it as self-care. The person who wronged us may not even have the self-awareness to realize that we still suffer from the wrong. For it to be true forgiveness, it must be about taking care of ourselves and not carrying around the anger, resentment, and hurt that can eat us alive inside.

Steven McDonald was a New York police officer. Even though he was shot by a 15-year-old boy in 1986, drastically changing his life and leaving him a quadriplegic, he forgave the boy who shot him. He then spent his life traveling the world speaking about forgiveness and peace. His speeches inspired love, respect and forgiveness.