dirty and messy love

‘I got a C less on the oral communication task because you didn’t send it to me before and my teacher gave me a C less for late delivery’ Claudia said, annoyed and furious. ‘I’m sorry honey, but I have a tight schedule. Work has been stressful lately and I did your homework as soon as I got free’ I said trying to calm her down. Eight months had passed since both of us were dating. Claudia was studying textile design and whenever she had a writing assignment to do, she would simply send it to me so she could focus on other tasks. Now they accused me of being insulted every time she got a low score on a task I would do. She was the same pattern over and over again. She would get angry and talk to me in a condescending way. But why was she insulting me? I was doing her a favor by helping her. Didn’t she realize that? How did she get so comfortable with her insulting me every time she got a low score?

The answer was simple and obvious. She was comfortable doing it because I was comfortable with her talking down to me. It was my fault. I allowed him to walk on me. To stomp on me and crush me like she was a bug. But isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Supporting the person you love through thick and thin, no matter how unpleasant it gets.

Epiphany:

Needless to say, my relationship lasted only a year and a half and the last few months were agonizing. I could see how distant the two of us had become and how little love was left. It was in the last two months of our relationship that I came to know that she had been cheating on me for the last four months. This little piece of information left me devastated. This was. This is how it ends. I was an emotional wreck and my eyes proved that. Suddenly my worst fears and insecurities were feasting on my emotions. She made a fool of me. My loyalty became my worst enemy and I realized that I was not irreplaceable or that important to the person I was madly in love with. They spent countless nights contemplating where I went wrong.

I no longer believed in love. It took me over a year to get over the abuse I had endured. They say that love is the most beautiful feeling in this world, but in my case, it was ruthless, devious and ruthless. The truth was, I was hurting myself more than she was by reliving those memories again. It was time to let go. It was time to move on and start focusing on myself. I couldn’t change what happened, that was beyond my control, but what was happening was well within my control. It was my fault all along that I had allowed her to treat me the way she did. My lack of self-love and self-dignity had caused me pain. As I sit and write my own painful dilemma, I now realize that we ourselves are the sole architects of our destruction. None of this would have happened if he had loved me the way he loved her. So now I say this and I say it with complete certainty that no one is worth her pain or misery. No one will love you the way you want if you don’t love yourself.

After realizing where I went wrong, my faith in love has been restored. It was not an easy or desirable journey, but it was a journey that had to be made. I learned the hard way and now that I have, there is no going back from here, just moving on. So before you fall in love with someone else, ask yourself, do you love yourself?