Death of a Child – Does the loss of a child really destroy marriages?

You’ve probably heard people cite statistics that parents who experience the death of a child are more likely to divorce. In fact, the oft-cited statistic is that 75 percent of parents eventually divorce within months of the loss of a child. However, that number was a guess by the author of a book he wrote on the subject in 1977. Studies since then paint a different picture.

Compassionate Friends, the nation’s largest grief self-help organization for families who have experienced the death of a child, conducted a survey in 2006 that showed a 16 percent divorce rate among bereaved parents.

In another study, researchers at Montana State University-Billings administered a survey to bereaved parents. The results? Nine percent of those surveyed divorced after the death of their child. And 24 percent of the remaining respondents had considered divorce but hadn’t actually done so. So, in 33 percent of the couples who responded to the survey, the death of a child I had he emphasized marriage, but the divorce rate was nowhere near 75 percent.

A third study, published in 2010 in the Journal of Clinical Oncology, investigated whether there was a higher divorce rate in spouses whose children developed cancer. Cancer in a child was NOT associated with an increased risk of parental divorce overall. However, higher divorce rates were observed for couples in which the mothers had an education above the high school level. The risk was particularly high soon after diagnosis, for couples with children 9 years of age or younger at diagnosis, and after the death of a child.

If you have experienced the heartbreak of the death of a child, know that your union with your spouse has a good chance of becoming even stronger. Still, in some cases, this tragedy may emphasize a relationship To keep their marriage as healthy as possible, bereaved parents should keep the following in mind.

avoid guilt

Guilt is highly toxic to any marriage because it involves accusing your partner of wrongdoing. For example, a husband holds his wife responsible for the death of her teenage son because she gave her son permission to stay up late and drive to the movies with friends. On the way back from the cinema, his son died in a car accident. In this scenario, guilt can erode the foundation of the marriage.

Sometimes bereaved parents blame an outside entity. Compare Meryl and George vs. Patricia and Joe. Meryl and George’s 11-year-old son Danny has died of heart problems. Neither blamed the other for the death. However, Meryl, who is Jewish, and George, who is a Lutheran, were angry with God. Before Danny’s death, Meryl agreed to raise Danny as a Lutheran, and her youngest son attended church activities and often arrived before services so she could speak with the pastor. When Danny died, Meryl and George felt as if God had unfairly punished them for raising their son well. However, the couple was able to put aside their anger against God. Three years after Danny’s death, George walked into a church for the first time since the funeral. Over a decade later, George and Meryl’s marriage is still going strong.

For Patricia and Joe, who lost their son Jimmy in a car accident, it was a different story. At first, the accident brought them closer, until Joe blamed God for the accident and his days were consumed with overwhelming anger that never abated. Patricia, on the other hand, turned to God after Jimmy’s death. They tried counseling, but Joe’s bitterness toward God and almost everyone around him damaged their marriage, and the couple divorced.

resolve your guilt

The study by Montana State University researchers mentioned above found that parents who have considered divorce after the death of a child are much more likely to express feelings of guilt and often or sometimes perceive their spouses as they expressed guilt. Those who had not considered divorce were more likely to rarely or never feel guilt and were much less likely to perceive their spouse as expressing guilt. If you feel guilty in any way about your child’s death, counseling can be an effective way to help resolve her feelings.

Realizing that you both grieve differently

Our spouses often have similar interests and belief systems to ours. Grief may be the first time in our relationships when we notice a significant difference between the two of us. Women, for example, are often more open and forthcoming about their grievances, while men tend to pool their emotions inside or try to hide their vulnerability by grieving when alone. Men can also express their grievance as anger. For example, when George found out that Danny was dead, he banged on the bedroom door, punching a hole in the wood.

Allow others to grieve at their own pace

Many of you reading this have heard these words before: “Why don’t you move on? It’s already been a year (or two years, or three, etc.).” When family says this, it can be frustrating enough. But when a spouse feels like it’s time for you to move on, it can be devastating. Everyone grieves at their own pace and we have to accept our partner’s schedule. George and Meryl learned this first hand.

About a year after Danny’s death, Meryl wanted to visit his grave every week. George wanted to visit less often. At first, this hurt Meryl’s feelings. But George convinced her that going every two weeks was part of her letting go. “I go a little crazy if it drags on,” Meryl admits.