Causes of divorce: the three A’s

There are probably as many grounds for divorce as there are individuals who get divorced. Only the couple can really make the decision as to whether it really is “irretrievably broken.”

I would say that there are three key areas that encompass most of the actual causes of divorce: the “3 A’s: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction.”

Adultery it is one of the leading underlying causes of divorce in this country. According to the electronic article “Adultery: Statistics on Cheating Spouses,” published by Eagle’s Nest Publications, “60-70 percent of adultery victims are women,” while “30-40 percent of adultery victims are men”. In several countries adultery is illegal. In the United States, adultery is only legally recognized as a ground for divorce in a couple of states. However, adultery is often one of the main reasons cited for divorce. This is not new behavior, but modern technology, readily available sexual partners, and social apathy seem to encourage the behavior. There are many couples who have been able to survive an adulterous affair and rebuild a marriage, but this is often a challenging process and requires a great deal of commitment. If the couple does not focus on rebuilding a relationship of fidelity and trust, it is likely that the marriage will not survive as a healthy relationship.

Abuse it has so many faces, it really is a study in itself. Perhaps it’s enough to say that abusive behaviors don’t go away just because they’re exposed to the light of day. Abuse, whether emotional, physical, sexual, or any combination, requires honest, focused counseling and work and a commitment to change. It often requires significant counseling and the work of a twelve-step program to achieve self-mastery. And, very often, the abused cannot risk staying until the abuser gets a grip on himself.

addictions lead many people to become so dependent on a behavior or a substance that they no longer see how to refrain from it. These addictions, whether physical, such as drugs, alcohol, pornography, or sexual addictions, emotional, such as eating disorders, gambling, or shopping addictions, or other addictions, interfere with a person’s ability to prioritize their marriage and family relationships. Everything becomes secondary. And just like with abuse, the other spouse may choose not to endure the consequences in the hope that the addicted party can recover from their addiction and stay that way.

There are powerful 12-step programs available that address the full range of addictions, including pornography and sexual addictions, as well as substance abuse and gambling. Many psychologists and other mental health professionals suggest that these addictions can only be mastered and controlled through a 12-step program, based on the original model of Alcoholics Anonymous. Where there is addiction, there are victims of those addictions within the family, and healing occurs best if those addiction victims seek counseling and help, as well as the addict himself.

There are ways to try to deal with each of these problems, if both parties are determined to work on solutions. In the short term, it may seem like the more difficult choice. Often it doesn’t work because the spouses are not equally committed to building a surviving relationship.