10 ‘Must Do’s for dealing with children in blended families

Aid! The new love of my life already has children!

The new love of your life is a single parent who may be divorced, widowed, or separated; and you are thinking of having a blended family. Now you are wondering what to do to make your second marriage harmonious as you want to form a lasting and loving relationship with your children and blended families.

So what are the 10 ‘must twos’? Well, they are:

1. Honestly check your commitment and understand the consequences of your choices.

Will you be able to face a ‘prefabricated’ family? Does your lifestyle, character, profession, welfare and morals fit with the duties and time that children need? Are you ‘tough’ enough for the unwelcome queries, comments and stories that people who have influence over children might lead them to believe?

Most of all though, are you ready to commit to your parents? In all likelihood, they’ve already been through a lot of pain, so if you’re not willing to get involved, think very carefully before they get too close to you and then have their hearts broken again.

2. Introduce yourself slowly.

Your partner’s kids may be used to having you to themselves, so when you, a stranger, show up all the time, they may be confused. If they are teenagers, they may look at you suspiciously and be protective of their parents or jealous of you taking them away (in their eyes). Its regular presence can cause a sudden big change, so you have to act carefully. You definitely don’t just “move in,” even if the kids are very young. Start by joining your partner on a casual outing, don’t get too familiar with them or your partner (even if you will be holding hands in front of them at first), and above all, take the time to build rapport. with them, showing genuine interest in who they are and what they are interested in. Let them know you, as you know them.

3. Be honest about who you are.

You can introduce yourself as a friend of their parents at first, but never lie to the children, as this will create distrust on all levels. Let them know (gently) that you and your parents date and take care of each other.

Four. Blend in with the family lifestyle..

The family name ‘Blended’ has a reason. You can’t just barge in and suggest or make too many changes, demands, or new rules. You have to learn how family works together first, as they worked well before you got there. Be sensitive; creating aversion will set you back a long way. Most disputes happen accidentally or without malice; it still takes a long time to recover from them. As much as possible, never disagree with your new partner in front of your children, punish them, or show disrespect for their traditions, values, and family members, especially your other biological parent. You can pick your matchups for really serious issues, but keep your ethics in check. Over time, you may begin to suggest different shapes or bring your own values ​​into the mix, but don’t be too quick.

5. Give them space.

Before you came along, the children will have had exclusive access to their parents, so they may not feel comfortable discussing their innermost thoughts with a new person in their parents’ lives. Give them space, let them stay in their rooms if they’re sad but don’t want to talk, find an excuse to get out of the house if you realize they want to talk to their birth parents, and don’t assume you’re welcome at school counseling sessions or sleepovers. parents/teachers. Wait to be invited into their space, their friends, and their hearts.

6. Be willing to take the punches.

Young people can be very cruel with their words, especially when they are said in a moment of emotion! Here thick skin is needed. Don Miguel Ruiz in the four agreements of his emphasizes that Agreement #3 ‘Don’t take it personally’, a truer word is never said than in the relationship between stepparents and stepchildren. If the child is being personal, then be the adult and explain gently but firmly why his behavior is unacceptable.

7. Discuss the rules, correction and fight with them with your partner while the children are not.

When you need to discuss the relationship and interaction between you, your partner, and the stepchildren, be sure to do so out of earshot. Either talk when they’re not around or go out together without them. Children have an innate sense when they are talked about or about something that impacts them. They have a strange way of showing up at the wrong time, or listening in, and can miss the point of the discussion. If you find yourself arguing with your partner about it, this will only cause more problems.

8. Avoid overcompensation.

Overcompensation can come in many forms, financial, physical, verbal, or just plain messing them up. Also, if you have children of your own, overcompensating or treating your stepchildren differently will lead to problems in your own part of the family. Always treat them with kindness, love, care and respect. Allowing them to get away with it or letting them get away with unacceptable behavior will only lead to problems later on.

9. Do not criticize the ‘other’ biological father.

Always move when it comes to the other biological parent. Having an opinion, making sarcastic comments, negative comments, or criticizing them is the fastest way to take a step back from your relationship with your new family. Just remember, it won’t be the other way around, so be prepared for some nasty things, as you’ll likely be seen as their replacement, both in your partner’s life and in their children’s lives.

10. Let the kids decide how you fit into their lives..

Let the children take the lead; your job is to build trust, be sensitive, and be an adult. Think about what relationship you would like to have with them (friend or sister are not the best), maybe similar to a favorite aunt, trusted advisor or mentor are some good ones. Don’t try to be called mom or dad either, they may one day do so but it has to be their decision, even if they are very young now and it seems logical, or they take it from their friends.

Working on a second marriage can be unnerving and having blended families can become very difficult if you are not prepared for it.