What to do when your husband no longer loves you

Hearing that your husband no longer loves you is probably on the list of the three phrases that you most fear hearing. Unfortunately, many of the wives I hear from have recently heard their husbands say these words. Sometimes the husband will make this admission in the middle of an argument or fight. And he sometimes he sits her wife down and tries to break the news to her as nicely as he can. I’m not quite sure which is worse.

The bottom line is that no matter how he says the words, hearing that he no longer loves you is not only devastating, it raises more questions than it answers. Wives who contact me about this are often unsure how to proceed. Many think that if their husband no longer loves them, then there is really nothing they can do other than try to end the marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Although this situation is very difficult, I have seen it change countless times. Just because her husband said something in the heat of the moment doesn’t always make it true. And, even if it is, I’ve seen the right strategy make even reluctant husbands “fall in love all over again.” I will discuss this more in the next article.

You should know that although he may well think or say that he no longer loves you, his statement is not necessarily the reality: Your husband may mean every word you say and may not even be trying to cheat on you. But sometimes, she projects the problems she has in other areas of her life onto what’s convenient and there, like her marriage. This is called projection and is very common. This does not mean that she is happy with your marriage or that it is perfect. In fact, her saying that she doesn’t love you often reflects her dissatisfaction with the way the marriage is going (at least lately).

But there’s a big difference between being frustrated and wanting to get a reaction and not really loving yourself anymore. Many women will go to great lengths to get to “the truth” about this or to define how it “really feels.” They will harass her husband to define how much he doesn’t love them or constantly ask him if he is changing his mind. The truth is, it’s usually better to use this as a wake-up call and take action than to worry so much about specific definitions or clarifications.

Don’t assume his statement “I don’t love you anymore” means the marriage is over: Many of the wives who write to me give up their marriage shortly after hearing these words. They think that if her husband doesn’t love them, the next logical step is to let him go or get a divorce. The thing is the wife still loves him and we’re still not sure how she really feels as things are still explosive and fresh. There is no reason to give up until it is clear that you have to. Frankly, you’re probably still in the early stages and things could really go either way.

I have seen countless marriages recover from this and I have seen many men “fall back in love” with their wives as soon as those same wives began to handle this correctly. A hurtful statement (that was probably meant to provoke a reaction) doesn’t have to spell the end of your marriage. You can change this, but change cannot happen if you give up or get so discouraged that you do nothing.

Getting a husband to “fall in love all over again” with his wife: Even if we assume the husband was 100% accurate in what he said, that doesn’t mean he can’t bring “being in love” back into his marriage. People seem to constantly want to ponder if they are in love with their spouse. I probably hear from wives whose husbands have told them they love them but aren’t “in love” with them almost daily.

And, most people assume that when one spouse falls out of love, there really is nothing either spouse can do about it. An assumption like this is not only false, it can spell the end of your marriage when it doesn’t have to.

To understand how people can fall in love again, you need to understand why they fell in love in the first place. People assume it’s some kind of chemical reaction or fate, and while these things may factor into the equation, there are plenty of other things that go into “falling in love” as well. What attracts one person to another is quite individual, but it’s when the relationship is new and both people are on their best behavior and putting their time and efforts into the relationship that the “infatuation” occurs.

And once it does, people assume it’s never going to end, and after getting married, it’s easy to become complacent and take these things for granted. After getting married and having to manage all your commitments and obligations, it makes sense that you can no longer spend the time and effort you used to spend on your spouse.

This is completely normal and happens in most marriages I see. But it is also very detrimental to that same marriage and is the most common reason people assume they no longer love their spouse. The good news is that once you change your priorities and time allocations, feelings will often change too. As soon as you change your priorities to become the spouse you yourself would want, that’s when you see people “falling in love” again. Understand that most men want to feel understood, appreciated, and wanted. If you can meet these needs in a genuine way, you may see those loving feelings return.

The chemistry hasn’t necessarily changed. No one has sprinkled magic or pixie dust on the relationship. But what you put into it is directly proportional to what you take out of it. And the feelings it provokes are typically directly proportional to the efforts you put into it. Understanding this is the first step in bringing the love back into your marriage.