The Twelve Absurdities of Christmas

Christmas, and the seemingly endless commercial prelude to Christmas, is one of the most absurd institutions, indeed the most absurd, that society has inflicted on the vast majority of the civilized world. When you consider all the kinds of stressful hurdles you have to go through in the months, but especially in the weeks leading up to the Big Day, it’s necessary if you’re weak enough to give in to what society (mainly, but not exclusively, retail traders) requires, it is a miracle that the civilized world is not collectively a society of babbling idiots the next day. Still, most gladly and willingly jump through the same stressful hoops the following year, paying through the nose for the privilege.

1) RELIGIOUS ABSURDIES

A) Christmas is about Christ. The odds that JC was born on December 25 are about 365.25 to 1. That’s because no one has the slightest idea what the actual date was. You won’t find it in the Bible, that’s for sure. The concept of a relationship between Christmas and JC was a hijacking by the Christian Church of the ancient ‘pagan’ tradition of celebrating the winter solstice. Rather than fight the City Council, the church simply adopted that already established tradition for its own purposes. Any resemblance to the really real reality is purely a matter of coincidence. That you swallow the hook, line, and sinker without any real questioning, critical thinking, or study that there is a real relationship between the virgin birth (yes, that’s believable and not an original idea either) to an alleged deity (whose historical good faith can be questioned) that has not been seen in more than 2000 years, is absurd.

B) That shopping malls and stores like supermarkets and department stores play not only Christmas music, but also religious-themed (ie Christian) Christmas music is absurd. Nativity scenes are also often featured. That means that these commercial companies are in fact promoting one specific brand of religion exclusively over all others. While that might be appropriate for a church, it is not the right place in any multicultural society for for-profit commercial stores to endorse any type of religion. That they do it is another absurdity.

2) ABSURD FOODS

A) On average, half of the food you buy for the holidays will be thrown away. Now is that absurd or is that absurd.

B) How many of you had ham or turkey for Christmas dinner? Why? Probably because your society and culture pretty much demands that you eat traditional food, which means one of these two options, plus the obligatory eggnog, plum pudding, and mince pies, etc. So what’s wrong with pizza, meatloaf, sirloin steak, Irish stew, mac and cheese, etc? Why are you such a slave to someone else’s traditions? That’s absurd. I have established my own tradition: even years is pizza for Christmas breakfast; spaghetti for Christmas dinner. In odd years I invest both.

3) ABSURD DECORATION

Think of the enormous amounts of time and energy that goes into putting up, going up and up and finally lowering, lowering and lowering all those ornate Christmas decorations. What is the point? And some people go so far out of line that you’d think they were trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records. Maybe they are! And haven’t we heard or read all those stories about those Christmas tree lights that were so overloaded that they shorted out, set the tree on fire and burned down the house?

4) BRATS (Sorry, the Little Darlings) ABSURDITIES

It is absurd to be ethically obligated to lie to your children (and anyone else’s children) about the reality of Santa.

5) HOLY ABSURDITIES

Santa’s economic purpose is to install in brats (sorry, your little darlings) the concept of greed and a free lunch. The brat mantra: I want, I want, I want; give me give me give me; now now now. Why do you think shopping malls and department stores employ a Santa Claus? Hint: he has nothing to do with the jingle bells, but the clink of coins transferred from his pockets to his cash registers, lots and lots of jingling coins (plus the rustle of paper money too). Of course, as an added insult, you have to pay to get a picture of your brat(s), sorry little darling(s), sitting on Santa’s lap.

6) ABSURDITIES OF CHRISTMAS MUSIC

What you listen to in the privacy of your own home is none of your business, but in the many, many, many weeks leading up to Christmas Day, you (and especially if you’re a staff member at any supermarket or department store, etc.) are bombarded non-stop with Christmas music from the malls, not to mention the off-key brats (sorry, those dear little kids) on street corners who also see fit to serenade you with even more Christmas music. You can only stand so many performances by Jingle Bells, Deck the Halls, White Christmas, and The Little Drummer Boy (to mention just four songs from a seemingly endless number of Christmas repertoire of musical and pap nonsense).

7) FINANCIAL ABSURDIES

You spend enormous amounts of money and energy preparing for an annual event that you probably wish society would completely forget about.

8) TIME AND ENERGY ABSURDNESS

You spend more time preparing for an annual event than the event itself.

9) FAMILY, FRIENDS AND OTHER ABSURD RELATIONSHIPS

You spend ‘quality’ time with family members who you wish were on the other side of the world and therefore unable to invade your personal space, time and wallet.

You spend a lot of money you’d rather not spend on gifts for people you don’t give a shit about.

You send Christmas cards to a lot of people you don’t care about; you get Christmas cards from people you don’t care about.

You get a lot of gifts that are unwanted, useless, and worth only the $$$ you could get for them on eBay (and related stuff).

10) ABSURDITIES OF INSINCERITY

99.9% of the people, mostly strangers and salespeople, who wish you a “Merry Christmas” are just going through the motions and personally don’t give a shit if you drop dead on Christmas day. That triples for the millions of “Merry Christmas” messages in the ads you see before Christmas.

11) HEALTH ABSURDES

Would your blood pressure, stress levels, and general mental health be in a better and healthier condition overall if you could put your feet up, ignore Christmas, and just watch the parade go by? Would your health be better if you hadn’t given in to the Christmas spirit as well as the spirits?

12) ABSURD BENEFICIARIES

Who benefits from Christmas? Clearly, there are stories of various acts of kindness and sacrifice that come to light every Christmas. Now follow the money trail. Okay, on the plus side, charities obviously get extra donations at Christmas. So much for the positive side! Well, the post office and Christmas card makers benefit, especially since every year is a new year where everyone has to buy and post again (unlike Christmas decorations that get reused year after year). Speaking of decorations, unless you use an artificial Christmas tree, real natural Christmas tree growers and sellers are looking forward to the holiday season. Above all, the beneficiaries include all the manufacturers and retailers of all those who will receive Christmas gifts. Face it, Christmas is all about the economy and keeping people employed. Without Christmas (and, to a lesser extent, other overly publicized holidays like Mother’s and Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, etc.) there would be an economic collapse that would make 1929 pale in comparison. In fact, appearance-wise, a good percentage of the news in the run-up to Christmas is about how much people spend; how well (or poorly) retailers are doing. They certainly outnumber stories that focus on the religious or warmer, more confusing aspects of Christmas.

CONCLUSION

Absurdity is the bedrock of comedy, so, if you will, I enjoy sitting back and relaxing and enjoying the human comedy that unfolds in front of me each Christmas season as all the good little sheep perform the standard Christmas routines (including the payment of bills in January). It’s a comedy to see all those members of society who take Christmas seriously and jump as high as they can when society snaps its fingers as Christmas approaches for yet another reason of absurd madness.

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