Sex positions: there is more than one you know

Her 5x-a-week gymnastics ritual in the bedroom has been reduced to a once-a-month awkwardness with the lights off. Where did everything go wrong? It can be fixed? All relationships need a little injection of spice to keep the fire going. Our suggestions for sexual positions are much more modern than the Kama Sutra and you can be sure that you will not have tried them all before.

SUDOKU STYLE: Perform positions 1 to 9 of the Kama Sutra without duplicating any number in your box.

ENGLAND STYLE: Cover your face with the Union Jack and think of England.

PAINTBALL STYLE: From a distance, using the weapon of your choice, shoot random drops at her.

BLACK WIDOW STYLE: Very funny, but someone dies.

MCDONALD STYLE: Yell “I love it” while exploring your McFlurry.

GARDENERS STYLE: Plant your seed and watch its belly grow.

SAS STYLE: Hide naked in a bush and ask her off guard.

CONTRACTOR STYLE: Get as much of yourself as you can in your box.

MADONNA STYLE: Stick 2 ice cream cones on your breasts and act like a virgin.

MATRIX STYLE: Simultaneously jump in the air and try to copulate while in the air. Better to do it in slow motion.

HELICOPTER STYLE: Paint the letter H around your female parts and watch your helicopter land.

DOUBLE BAG STYLE: Put a bag on her head and a bag on your head in case hers comes off. Ideal for women who fuck while wearing beer glasses.

PUPPY STYLE: Grab her leg and rub it up and down until you reach orgasm. Better to try while you sleep.

FATTY WOMAN STYLE: Roll it in flour and look for the wet part.

SUNBURN STYLE: Only the genitals can be touched.

FABRIC STYLE: Inside, above, completely and without.

HOKEY COKEY STYLE: In, out, in, out, then shake it all up.

HEALTH AND SAFETY STYLE: Both should put on safety glasses, light jackets and gloves and try to enter without hurting themselves or getting the glasses soaked.

TRAMPOLINE STYLE: Bounces alternately. Land first in the sitting position and the woman lands on top with the aim of penetrating.

LOW TRAMPOLINE STYLE: Usually continues after previous position fails.

ARMY STYLE: Have him clean your gun using only his tongue and an electric toothbrush.

PINATA STYLE: Make them hang from a tree while you poke them.

SAFE SEX STYLE: They both lie there, untouched and just think about what they might be doing if they weren’t so safety conscious.

STAR WARS STYLE: Launches a surprise attack from behind.

DAVID BLUNKETT STYLE: Bring your dog.

PRISON STYLE: Drop the soap in the shower and put a flannel in your mouth.

STYLE 007: Choose your wife wisely, as tomorrow she will be dead.

ESSEX GIRL STYLE: Have the woman put on white stilettos and say “can you see my kebab”.

ESCORT STYLE: Kissing is not allowed, however licking and touching the private body parts of others is absolutely fine.

DIY STYLE: Usually done alone.

FRIENDS GATHERED STYLE: Do it with old friends and then don’t see them again for ten years.

DIETER STYLE: Everything looks and feels normal, but doesn’t taste that sweet.

AMERICAN STYLE: Do it while eating hamburgers.

DELIVERY DRIVER STYLE: You wait patiently all day but it still hasn’t come.

BANKING STYLE: Low interest means probable withdrawal.

DRIVER STYLE: After 10 minutes of gasping and gasping, she says “are we there yet?”

BARBIE AND KEN STYLE: Try to have sex without bending your arms or legs.

STYLE IMPOSSIBLE MISSION: Suspend from the ceiling with a wire and try to have sex without waking her up.

FOREIGN STYLE: Use your probe.

NINJA STYLE: She will never know you were there. Helpful if you don’t even touch the sides.