My husband says things to hurt me, how do I handle this?

I often hear from people who are having various troublesome issues within their marriage. A relatively common issue is when one spouse gets into the habit of hurling hurtful comments or words so often that it almost becomes a habit. This can very negatively affect your marriage and compromise the way your spouse thinks about both them and the future of their marriage. This is why it is so important to address this and stop it as soon as possible.

I recently heard from a wife who had noticed her husband’s hurtful comments becoming more and more frequent and personal in recent years. This was both troubling and surprising because she couldn’t recall anything similar to this while they were dating. She said, in part: “Over the last two years, my husband has started to constantly say hurtful things to me whenever I do something he doesn’t like. It’s like he knows exactly which button to press that he’s going to do. hurts more. For example, he talks about my family in a very degrading way when we are around other people. My family was very poor when I was a child, but they are good people. He will tell our friends that it is good that their work pays okay because mine isn’t. Sometimes when we argue he’ll say things like ‘it’s good you found me because I’m not sure anyone else can put up with you.’ He always implies that I’m so lucky to have him, almost like he thinks I’d never be able to survive on my own. He says that if he left me, I’d never be able to attract anyone else. This makes me feel really bad and it’s ruining my self-esteem. I know I’m a good person, but he makes me feel like I don’t agree with my own assessment of myself. What can I do to stop this? Every time I try to approach him, he says I’m being too sensitive and that I should relax.”

I’ll try to address these concerns in the next article by explaining why husbands sometimes make a habit of saying hurtful things, and then offering some suggestions on how to address this.

Some possible reasons husbands say hurtful things: In reality, there are many reasons why husbands use words or phrases meant to hurt deeply, especially if it is new behavior for them. Sometimes, for whatever reason, they are just trying to get your attention and they know this is the easiest way to get a reaction out of you. Yes, this is a very passive-aggressive way to stop you in your tracks, but sometimes men don’t have the communication skills or the emotional ability to tell you what’s really on their mind.

Another reason the man you love will try to hurt you with his words is because of his own insecurities. Sometimes, especially in this situation, a man will say the exact opposite of what he really feels. It was quite possible that this husband was (at least somewhere deep down) afraid of losing his wife. So her hurtful verbal phrases of hers were a way of making sure that she didn’t leave him because he was making her believe that she would never attract anyone else. Men who engage in this type of behavior often have low self-esteem. Making yourself feel bad is an attempt to make yourself feel better. I’m certainly not trying to excuse his behavior, but I’m trying to give you some possibilities as to the cause.

A final possible reason why husbands say hurtful things is because they harbor some resentment or anger that they are not otherwise addressing. They may perceive that you have hurt or slighted them in some way and instead of just addressing the issue at hand, they are trying to get back at you over and over again by pushing buttons that they know are big problems for you. This certainly doesn’t make it right and we’re talking about passive aggressive behavior again, but at least if you can understand the reasons behind their behavior you can start to address it and stop it.

How to handle it when your husband constantly says hurtful things to you: The wife here had gotten used to ignoring her husband. For reasons of self-preservation, she had taught herself to cut herself off from him. But this was becoming very damaging to her marriage and she missed the man who used to be so sweet to her when they started dating her. I felt like she should address this every time her husband said something hurtful because ignoring it would only ensure it would keep happening.

Many times, the hurtful words came out when other people were around, so the wife felt uncomfortable talking about it in front of others. So the choice became to ask to speak with him privately for a minute, or to broach the subject later when they were alone. (Often if she waits to address it, her response loses some of its immediacy and the results are not as good. She can always ask to speak to her husband alone for a few moments.)

I suggested that the next time her husband said something offensive, she might respond with something like, “I can’t keep letting you talk to me like this. When you talk to me like this, it hurts me deeply. It affects our marriage and my ability to feel close to each other.” I’m not sure if you realize how hurtful your words are or if you realize how they sound to me. That’s why I’m bringing this to your attention starting today. I’d like to think it’s not your meant to hurt me and that our marriage and my well-being are important enough to you to stop this. Then by all means, say so. But, every time you say something that hurts deeply, I’m going to get their attention because it has to stop.”

Note that I was very careful to try to make sure this didn’t sound too accusatory. Instead, he’s focusing on a way that they can work together and fix this in a positive way. She is giving her husband the benefit of the doubt and trying to have faith that she will work hard to change. If she doesn’t, she will have to continue to approach him and insist that he stop because hurtful words can hurt very deeply and are in no way healthy for you or your marriage.