My estranged husband claims to be open to a gradual and slow reconciliation. Should he believe her?
Posted On May 18, 2022
Sometimes I hear of wives who could have been me from the past. The reason for this is that they are separated and somewhat desperate to reconcile and save their marriages. I usually have a pretty good idea of how they feel because I’ve been there. I know that when you’re apart, there’s little else you think about other than a reconciliation. He wants the reconciliation to happen today, or tomorrow at the latest. Unfortunately, our husbands don’t always feel the same way. In fact, they’re usually the ones who wanted the breakup in the first place, so they can be very evasive when you’re trying to talk about a reconciliation. However, it can be hard to be hopeless when you start to make progress and feel like you’re connecting again. Understandably, the improvement process can make you anxious to start inching toward a reconciliation. But your husband may get angry at this idea. And some husbands even pull away from you a bit, because they don’t want you to rush them. This can make the wife feel a bit trapped. Because she loves her husband and wants to reconcile, she might be willing to move at her pace. But she can worry about her sincerity.
She might say, “I have been separated for over three months. At first, I was pretty sure I would get a divorce in the future. But over the last month, things have slowly started to get better. My husband has been coming in regularly for have dinner with my son. After we put him to bed we have been talking for hours. We have had some really good conversations. I started to feel a little hopeful that we could reconcile and finally worked up the courage to ask my husband about this, he said that he’s not opposed to one day reconciling but he insists it’s going to have to be a very gradual process because he’s not ready to commit to anything he said we’re both still working things out I admit I was disappointed and wondering if maybe i was saying this just to make him back off my girlfriend said she would have her doubts too and i shouldn’t put my heart into this until i have an engagement i’m torn n or it’s like my husband is asking me for something. don’t sleep together So lying to me isn’t really in your best interest. At the same time, I don’t want my heart to be broken. Is it a terrible sign that he wants to move slowly?
Why a gradual reconciliation can have advantages: I know why this hurts. You think he’s just trying to slow you down and hurt you and it’s scary to get your hopes up. However, I can tell you that even when my husband and I were doing very well as a couple at the end of our separation, we both made a conscious decision to take it easy. It was very difficult for me. Because he wanted an immediate reconciliation. But I also knew that I didn’t want to fail and have to get a divorce. I fully realized that our relationship was still fragile. I also knew that when I tried to pressure or rush my husband, he had a tendency to back down. So she didn’t want to do anything to make him feel uncomfortable. He knew he was probably going to have a chance at this reconciliation thing and he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.
What helped was that, like you, we were making progress. So when I got impatient, I would tell myself to contrast the weeks we spent not talking with the fact that we saw each other regularly, got along, and had fun. It just wasn’t worth the risk rushing it. I understand her fear that her husband is just trying to buy some time. But look at it this way: as long as you continue to make progress, why would I want to prolong the separation? As long as each day is a little better than the last, hopefully you’ll both be more optimistic about the future. Why would I want to turn my back on that?
I know that moving forward at a gradual pace requires more confidence. But, trust is a skill that will improve your marriage anyway. One positive aspect of gradual movement is that it allows you to make small adjustments along the way. You are not in an all or nothing situation. When you hit a bump, you adjust. When things are going well, you might speed up a bit. But you have the flexibility to do so because no one is in a big hurry and no one needs to move again when things feel rushed. When you gradually reconcile, there is not as much pressure when he moves in again because you have already encountered many of the problems that can arise and have already solved them. Therefore, your reconciliation has a much better chance of success. That’s why it’s important to keep an eye out for the real prize.