I want to stay with my spouse, but how do I get over cheating?

Sometimes I hear from wives who are mad at themselves because no matter how hard they try, they just can’t “get over” their husband’s affair and move on so they can have a happy family again. They will swear to put things aside, but then find that it is easier said than done.

Someone might say, “I’ve always been very clear that I wasn’t going to divorce my husband after his affair. I was angry, but I don’t believe in divorce. I want my children to grow up with a father, since I didn’t. So that there was never any doubt about whether I would stay. I’m staying. But I don’t like how our life looks right now. I’m always angry. I’m always suspicious. I always bring it up because I’m resentful. Because of this, my husband angry with me. So we fight. And it’s just an anger cycle. During one of our fights, my husband asked me if I was ever going to let it go and just get over it. He said he wasn’t sure we were going to make it if we didn’t I could let this be like this. Believe me, I want to get over it. I want to put it aside. But I can’t seem to shake it. How do I get over it so we can stay together?

Why getting through an affair is more than a mental exercise: If getting over it was almost a state of mind, it wouldn’t be so hard, or feel so impossible at times. I know what you’re going through. I can remember waking up in the morning and swearing not to think about it or bring it up all day. And yet, for lunch, it would be totally on my mind. I would get frustrated with myself. But a great therapist told me that recovery from an affair is much more than mental and that I was simply pushing myself too hard. Looking back now, I can clearly see that this is 100% true. Do we simply ask ourselves to “get over” other things like illnesses, accidents, and tragedies? No, we give ourselves time to cry. We give ourselves the necessary tools to recover. But when it comes to an adventure, for some reason, we feel like we don’t need these things or there should be some exception to this rule.

In my own opinion and experience, you cannot be expected to “get over” the issue until you have had the time and tools to do so. What I mean by this? You have to believe that your husband will not cheat on you again because he is rehabilitated, he is trustworthy, and he is motivated. And for most people, this takes time and healing. Sure, you could blindly try to believe all of these things, but we all know that when you try, your worrying thoughts just start creeping back in. Part of this is that it takes effort and time to restore trust. It takes time for you to see that it is safe to trust again. You need time to observe the behavior and actions of your husband. If you rush into any of this, of course you’re going to have second thoughts. That is natural.

Once you’re healed, there’s usually a day when you can make a conscious decision to put this aside: Yes, once recovery and rehabilitation have taken place, there comes a point where you may want to make a conscious decision to move forward. I was able to do this and willingly did it because I was tired of holding on to the suspicions, anger, and negativity that made us all miserable. But there is no way I could have successfully done this until I learned that healing and rehabilitation had occurred. At that time, I truly believed that my husband was not going to cheat on me again because we had both worked so hard for so long.

If you’re not there yet, please don’t give up. Just doing keep working. Just keep dipping. If the thoughts come, tell yourself that he will be aware of what is happening, but that he will live the life of it. If your husband insists that you just “let it go,” you can address these expectations with something like, “Trust me, I’d like nothing more than to let it go. Letting go of this pain would feel like freedom and I can’t wait for that day. But we just haven’t gotten there.” yet. We are too early in this process and the healing is not complete. If we continue to make progress and are able to restore confidence, then I will definitely want to let it go because, believe me, it is a heavy weight to carry. You can make progress more fast by being supportive, transparent and accountable. I’m doing the best I can and if we both make the effort, I’m confident we’ll both be able to move forward. But we’re still in the early stages of this process and it’s not just a mental decision. It’s a healing process that we are just beginning.

It’s normal for your husband to want you to move on quickly because he minimizes his responsibility and guilt, but that’s not how real life works and it’s asking too much. Keep having the best attitude you can muster and keep working to heal (and asking him to do the same). This path will usually lead him to a place where he can choose to let it go. But not until he is cured and until it is your choice to do so voluntarily.

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