How self-deception can destroy relationships

We all do it to some degree and to a lesser degree it is quite harmless, but when self-deception is more extreme it can be disastrous, especially in relationships.

Just about any woman can relate to one of the most common ways we fool ourselves. We’ve all encountered weight gain of a few pounds, and it usually plays out like this:

Our jeans are a little tight on us, and we tell ourselves they’re light (even when it’s not that time of the month). As the days go by and the weight is still there, we tell ourselves that our jeans have shrunk or that manufacturers are making different sizes than they used to. Sounds familiar? We can make up any number of excuses and they are all self-deception so that we don’t have to change our behavior and can continue to believe that we are thin and eat whatever we want.

We have actually gained a few pounds, and if we don’t face the truth about it, they can quickly add up even more. For a reality check, what do we do? We get on the scale because the scale does not lie; it tells us what we have been avoiding for the past week or two. The whole time we knew the scale was there, but we didn’t get on it because we were afraid of the truth!

This is an example of harmless self-deception behavior because we eventually accept responsibility and face the truth. We knew that the scale would not let us continue with our denial and it did not. Now we had the truth and we knew we had to do something about it to fix it and that it would also take a bit of work on our part.

So what happens when this doesn’t work? Either the person continues to avoid that scale or deludes himself further into believing that the scale is broken and that he will most likely continue to gain weight anyway. It’s more comforting to think that something is wrong with the scale than something is wrong with them and if there is nothing wrong with them then they don’t need to make an effort to fix it right? As long as it’s the scale, or the jeans, or the manufacturers that are to blame, then they don’t have to look at themselves or make any effort to change.

When self-deception reaches an unhealthy state, a person is unwilling to see himself as he really is. They have convinced themselves to believe in their own truth, which represents the person they want to be and want others to believe they are.

We know that people justify and rationalize their behavior all the time, and in small doses this is usually not harmful to ourselves or others, like putting on a few pounds and finally facing it and doing something about it. When more severe, it can lead to the end of a self-deceiver’s closest relationships because at some point the other person will be the “scale” as only someone who is close enough, knows them well, and cares about them can and will. , especially when they are directly affected.

When the person in denial does not accept the truth from the person closest to them, the “scale” becomes flawed and they can continue their self-delusion. In most cases, the closest person is the spouse or partner, and if you are that person, be very careful. Being intimately close to a person who is delusional can cause a lot of pain when he chooses to preserve his own image at the expense of the relationship and her well-being.

Personally, I have been the “scale” more than once in a relationship because I want my relationships to be authentic instead of artificial and superficial. Although most people would also say that this is what they want in a relationship, when faced with the challenge of growth from their partner, they resist and try to keep things on a more superficial level, or look for someone who do not challenge your own image.

There are people who will be facilitators of self-deception, who will not tell you that you look fat in jeans when you do. On a deeper level, it can do a lot more damage than letting you walk away not looking your best. You know who you are; you prefer not to risk offending the person by lying; that’s right, you lie. Your relationship with the person is so delicate that you cannot be honest with her and to keep her intact you must reflect the image she wants to see or you will be discarded from her life. If someone can’t handle a little constructive criticism from someone close to them, that’s a good sign that they’re emotionally unhealthy and could benefit from a reality check.

Unfortunately for the rest of us who wish to live authentically, enablers perpetuate the problem of self-deceptive behavior.

A perfect example of this is with an alcoholic, who is a master at deceiving himself and others and needs facilitators to continue his destructive behavior. Alcoholics become so good at fooling themselves that they can fool those around them too. You know the saying, “it’s not really a lie if you think it’s true”? As long as the alcoholic has at least one person to tell him that he is not, he will choose to believe what he wants to believe, which is always the overlooked and easiest-to-swallow version of himself: a person without problems or the task of some self-assessment and make an effort to change. If that same person has everyone in his life telling him that he has a problem, it becomes that much harder to avoid the truth. The result is rehabilitation and hopefully a healthier life; an outcome that benefits everyone around you, as we know that alcoholics not only hurt themselves, they also hurt those close to them.

Although the pattern is easier to see with alcoholism, it is the same with any serious self-deceptive behavior, and the repercussions for those closest to you are the same as well. They are the ones who get hurt the most when a person in denial projects the pain of dealing with their own flaws onto the most available target and makes them their scapegoat.

Sometimes when the truth teller approaches family or friends for help, they may become victims of a “shoot the messenger” reaction for being the bearer of bad news. Facilitators may also be close to the self-deceiver but have been successfully deceived or refuse to do so and may turn against them by suggesting that something might be wrong or that their loved one has a problem. They don’t want to be any closer to the truth than the one with the problem, and if you represent the “ugly” truth about them, there is no place for you in a dysfunctional enabler-offender relationship.

A self-deceiver will continue the cycle of expelling anyone who gets close enough and cares enough to be honest. Meanwhile, help is not sought, no progress is made, the offender gets worse and continues to hurt those close to them without realizing the impact they have had on others. Enablers continue to enable and do not have to take responsibility for their actions or feel the pain of their own destructive behavior. If you are unable to express your thoughts and feelings to preserve your relationship with a self-deceiver, you are allowing the behavior and causing more harm than good and hurting more people than you know, including yourself.

If you’re in a relationship and find yourself labeling, blaming, or attacking your partner, take a good look in the mirror. Your happiness is solely your responsibility, not that of your partner. When you feel an emotion, it does not mean that your partner made you feel that way, which is what most people think. Instead, our emotions are personal and tied to our own unique past experiences. Our beliefs and responses are conditioned by these events and trigger the emotions we feel. By becoming more self-aware, you can learn to accept responsibility for your feelings and actions instead of blaming your partner.

When we enter a relationship, we have chosen that person because we were drawn to them for a reason. It is usually a quality in them that we want to be around because it is a quality that we ourselves do not possess or need to develop. We choose that person knowing on some level that they could help us grow, but many times when faced with the challenge of doing that in a relationship, people resist because they feel that by making the change they are admitting that they were inadequate to begin with. Although in reality it is not like that, for many people it is impossible to consider that they should grow as people and in the relationship due to the influence of their partner, but that is precisely why they chose them. A relationship is meant to challenge, inspire and foster mutual growth.

Someone who lives in denial and deludes himself into believing that he is the image he presents to those around him rather than the person reflected in the eyes of the person closest to him will eventually end that relationship. Although this person is very likely to continue to seek relationships with people who offer him challenges to grow, as long as he deceives himself, he will never find one that lasts, unless he is with someone who will never challenge his own image of him; the enabler However, this relationship will always be fragile, as the focus is on preserving the self-image of the deceiver rather than maintaining the quality of the relationship. Without a solid foundation of mutual respect, trust, and love, both people will feel dissatisfied and want more.

Those who are afraid of growing up and becoming more self-aware miss out on the opportunity to have and share a real and meaningful connection with someone. For those of us who love or have loved a self-deceiver, we also lose because we have invested in a relationship with someone we care about who will never encourage or inspire our growth but will stifle it. Whether it’s an enabler or the “scale,” a relationship with a self-deceiver will never be what you want it to be; a good one.