Discover, discover and discard

Have you ever had a problem that had no solution? Was that so fixed, so permanent, so devilishly constructed that it made any solution impossible?

Yes me too. Idiotic bosses, offensive family members, a body that cannot be confused with that of a supermodel. Etcetera and etcetera. The world was nothing more than a series of things that he had to fight in vain. I had to put on the armor every day and, as a philosopher * once said: “Overcome, overcome, and maneuver to earn a miserable living in a hostile universe.” One crisis passes, another breaks out. You don’t need to send me to hell. I’m already there. Poor me.

The moment I got sick and tired of this kind of life, I came across a process that helped me change the way I thought about these unsolvable problems and about my life itself. The philosopher I mentioned called the Discover, Discover, and Discard process. The process itself is very simple, but not easy to follow. For me, this was because it forced me to accept the idea that all my problems were my fault. “Everyone” is the keyword here.

If you look anything like me, you look at a statement like that and your mind immediately kicks in: Oh no, it’s not my problems. My problems are different. And immediately go through your List of Problems and recite the litany of those who are truly responsible for causing them.

Like I said, the whole point of Discover, Discover, and Discard is to change your mindset rather than solve your problems. I found that if I could think differently, I could begin to see my part in all those unsolvable problems: how I had taken actions based on my own interest that caused me a conflict with myself and the world around me. Using Discover, Discover, and Discard, I found that every last of my unsolvable problems was solved. I stopped having to think, overcome and maneuver. I came out of hell and went to heaven. And nothing and no one had to change except me.

Is that how it works. First you have to be open to the idea of ​​changing your way of thinking. If you are not ready for it, if you are steadfastly opposed to the idea that you might be responsible for your own problems, then it won’t work. If it’s you, then you really have earned your place in hell. Good luck with that.

But if you’re convinced it’s time to make a change, try this: on a sheet of paper, make four columns:

o The problem (usually someone who is bothering you or something you are afraid of)

or the cause

or how it affects me

or my part

Now let’s consider one of those unsolvable problems. Let’s say there is a guy at work who is always on your case. He tries to look better at his expense: criticizes his work in front of the boss, takes credit for the things he actually did. The boss loves him so you know he’s not going anywhere. We’ll call him Harry. Then:

o In Column One, write that the problem is that he resents Harry.

o In column two, you list Harry’s behaviors, why you feel perfectly justified to resent him.

o In Column Three, you list the parts of yourself that affect Harry’s behavior. These can generally be classified into four areas: self-esteem, personal relationships, material security, and emotional security. In Harry’s case, you are probably looking at all four.

Consider this for a moment. We started out resenting Harry. Then we saw that it wasn’t Harry who was bothering us, it was his behavior. Then we saw that it was not his behavior that bothered us, it was how his behavior affected those four areas of our being. And now that?

o In column four, we are now ready to see our part in Harry’s resentment. Let’s think about four basic ways of acting that can get us in trouble: selfish, dishonest, scared, and inconsiderate. We did? Were we selfish in the sense that we wanted more credit for ourselves? Were we dishonest in our dealings with Harry? Do we act out of fear of losing our job and our financial security? Were we inconsiderate in not considering that Harry’s behavior could be caused by some issues he’s struggling with (divorce, financial insecurity, etc.?)

Viewed this way, it is almost always the case that acting on one of these four drives puts us in a position to be hurt. Our problems (the things we list in column three) are not actually caused by people like Harry, but are caused by our own behaviors (the things we list in column four). This does not excuse Harry’s behavior, of course, but there is nothing you can do about it. You can only change your attitude towards Harry. And if you can change your attitude (your way of thinking), then you have the opportunity to spend a lot less time thinking about your resentment towards Harry and more time thinking about more positive things, like the other unsolvable problems that you would like to solve.

So, using this system, we discover the resentments and fears that we spend our time thinking about. We discover what underlies those resentments and fears, and once we understand our part in them, we can discard them and move on.

For me, this is an invaluable tool for making my way through life. I do the Discover, Uncover, and Dismiss process on a regular basis for any resentments and fears that I have at any given time. Some recovery programs call it “taking an inventory” and also suggest that you share your “inventory” with someone you trust (doctor, therapist, clergyman, etc.) for independent feedback on these topics. I’ve done it and it really helps me.

One thing we can be sure of is that “unsolvable” problems will always be with us. For each of them, we have a choice: we can blame others for those problems and let our resentments and fears eat us from within; or we can try to change our thinking and, in the process, change ourselves.

* Chuck C., whose book A New Pair of Glasses talks about the process in detail. Check it out.

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