12 steps to divorce a drug addict

1. Put your trust in your God. The Universe is controlled by a divine power. Put your trust in the power of prayer and listen to the answers. Throughout my marriage, I prayed for the strength to get through some very difficult times. Not being an addict myself, I cannot fathom putting a chemical into my body and keeping that chemical in a more important place than my family. I just don’t get it, but in the end, if your spouse isn’t seeking professional help for drug and alcohol addictions, it’s probably time to go. I was so scared and felt I had no choice but to leave to protect myself (and the children). At first I was shocked (still am) that he would choose drugs over us, his family, but THAT WAS his choice. Although I cannot control his choices, I AM affected by his choices, and I CAN control HOW I will react to those choices. So, I pray… a lot.

2. Get legal advice: Know that anything a drug addict says, no matter how sincere it may seem at first glance, is motivated by drugs. Whether the conversation is about kids or money, don’t trust anything an addict says. A professional told me that when you are divorcing a drug addict, you MUST face the fact that a drug addict is having an affair! You (and the children, if there are children) are no longer the primary focus for a spouse with a drug or alcohol problem. A drug affair is very difficult for the other spouse to “fight.” (A friend of mine went through a divorce with a partner who was a chronic “cheater”, she felt my situation was easier. Divorcing a drug addict is the same as divorcing a “cheater” – the trust is gone! gone, gone!) So, unfortunately, you must have legal representation, unless the addict is willing to sign everything and just walk away. If your spouse is willing to “give you” everything, you should still have an attorney and perhaps an accountant review you and advise you of any short-term, long-term, and/or tax implications. Check with friends or go online and get referrals from chat rooms, web forums or even Twitter can guide you to websites to help you do some research but in the end get professional advice.

3. Get support from friends. A divorce is emotionally draining. Your friends and family usually don’t want to listen to you, but it’s very important to have someone who is willing to listen and just offer support. No guidance, just support.

4. Get therapy. If you can afford to visit a therapist, I recommend that you do so. A trained professional can help you understand the inner workings of the brain of a drug or alcohol addict. And, whether you want to hear it or not, on some level you have some responsibility in all of this. A therapist can help you see where you need to take charge of this crisis. There are studies now that have revealed that people with addictions have a gene that can be identified. You may have to face the fact that, perhaps, you were an “enabler.” Ultimately, however, the responsibility for addictions falls squarely on the shoulders of the addict. Unless, of course, you were the one who restrained your spouse and physically forced the drugs into their body.

5. Blogging. If you live in a bubble, where you don’t have access to friends, family and therapists, I suggest you write in a blog or at least in a journal. Even if you have friends and family, these support systems, firstly, get tired of hearing your anger and pain, and secondly, your friends and family, unless they’ve been through it, may not know how to support you. . It’s one thing to have friends and family who can support you through a divorce, however divorcing an addict is NOT like going through a “normal” divorce with “irreconcilable differences.” Go online and find others who are fighting the same dragons, find chat rooms and forums that can give you guidance in finding lawyers and therapists etc. in your area of ​​the country. It will give you the opportunity to rant with someone who understands and you can compare horror stories that, believe me, eventually, over time, can seem mildly entertaining. Maybe even fun.

6. Protect your credit. Any divorce will cause disruptions to your credit score, and especially today with the current economy and problems with identity theft, it becomes even more important to protect your identity and your credit score. This is not just aimed at strangers, your spouse could be trying to hijack your identity, not just because of their own selfish practices but sometimes, as it was in my case, an attempt to cause you harm. In a divorce, both parties have the potential (and motive) to cause damage to each other’s credit. Horror stories abound about credit catastrophes caused by angry spouses, like…spending credit cards in the other spouse’s name and walking away. Apply for a service that, for a monthly fee, will monitor your credit score and notify you via email if there are any changes to your credit score.

7. Set up your new separate identity. If it’s not the time now, it will be soon. So there is no better time than the present to start using your own name and identity. Begin to recognize yourself as YOU. Separated and apart from your identity as a spouse, being recognized by others as an independent person will help you feel more empowered. Think about going back to your maiden name.

8.Take your time. Decisions made now, while not set in stone, are important and will have an impact. Whether you decide to move to a new house or city, whether you choose one attorney or another. All of these decisions are important. So make your decisions wisely and do the best you can. Take advice from any and all sources you can, but remember that you are the one who has to live with the long-term impact of the election. So make your choices and decisions wisely!

9. Don’t take advice from your friends. All that said, at number 8, recognize that you shouldn’t take advice from friends as “set in stone.” Take input, evaluate, balance with information from Internet search, but know that friends are biased. Unless your friends are trained professionals, and even then, while their input may be sincere, it could be totally wrong for your situation, and they could be biased. Take all the input and apply what works to your individual situation.

10. Insurance. Make sure all your insurance is up to date. Medical, vehicle, home, life. In my situation, for some reason (I guess their processes were clouded by drug/alcohol use), the car insurance didn’t pay and we were driving for months without car insurance. In my state that is illegal and it was reported to the state and that opened another can of worms which caused more damage to my credit score. So take responsibility and make sure ALL of your insurance is up to date.

11. Your Finances. Your finances are a very crucial part of a divorce. If possible, I would suggest that you unfortunately plan ahead by putting aside some money before the divorce, in case things go sour. You will at least have access to SOME money to help you get through some rough roads ahead. The money coming in should always be more than the money going out, but it is particularly important during a divorce. Work diligently to keep credit cards in order. Continue to add to your savings plan every month if possible. You really need to be aware of the tax ramifications and long-term impact, things your attorney may not have experience with. Work with an accountant or financial expert on divorce planning. In hindsight, it’s always 20/20, as the saying goes, and looking back I realize that during my marriage we lived on one salary and deposited the other. While we were in the marriage, I thought it was a great idea. Now, however, when he closed the bank accounts and took all the money, I realize that was not a good idea. Get an accountant.

12. Take care of yourself. The road ahead will be exhausting and likely difficult, depending on how much time/emotional investment you have made in your marriage. Take time to relax, do whatever it is that gives you some “you” time. Take a walk, play cards, ride a horse, do yoga, read, play the piano, it’s important to find time to experience the things that relieve stress. Stress can be difficult to deal with at any time in your life, but particularly during a divorce. The point is that a divorce CAN consume you, IF you let it. So take the time to take time for yourself. Make sure you do your hair, your nails, pamper yourself and know that no matter what anyone else tells you, you’re worth it. Taking care of yourself strengthens your energy levels, your resolve, and your determination.

At the beginning of the end (or at the end of the beginning), I saw “Diary of a crazy black woman”, I saw “Enough”, I saw “Sleeping with the enemy” and while I recognized parts of each of those movies in my marriage, more than anything I recognized that the common element is a certain “system” of emotions that go haywire. First comes the wave of fear, then anger, then anger, then fear again. More indignation, anger, and then acceptance and resolution. Running through it all is the desire to “hate” – eventually comes the resolution that these negative emotions feed more of the same – through the Law of Attraction – making it healthier (not easier, but healthier ) leave The Law of Attraction is very clear, whatever you focus on, whatever you think about, will bring more into your life. Anger brings more anger, on the contrary, peace will bring more peace.

Drug and alcohol addicts do not use drugs and alcohol because of something you have done, they use drugs and alcohol because of something that happens in their own reality. I used to get angry every time I opened an email offering me medicine without a prescription; somehow I was able to easily press the delete button. I can’t say the same for everyone; otherwise these websites would not survive. You give yourself too much credit if you think you had something to do with making your spouse addicted. At some level, even the addict cannot control the behavior. Hopefully, at some point, the addict will find out and seek professional help to help them heal.

Another little thing that I’m going to give you, I’ve been told by drug addiction doctors that the drug addict will tell you that he’s recovered. This was certainly the case in my personal history. Most drugs cannot be controlled by the addict “all at once” alone. These medications usually have to be “detoxified” from the body using other medications and a course of therapy and these things cannot be done on an outpatient basis. Once an addict has “recovered,” that person’s life is forever “in recovery.” Whatever addiction to gambling, drinking, drugs, again and again on the list…once the addiction has been “conquered”, it will always be a challenge And one addiction can be replaced by another! It is very important that addiction problems are treated by a licensed professional, in controlled settings.

So, let it go – don’t take their choices personally, and as hard as it may seem, let them go…and pray for them.

I am not a professional, I encourage you to seek the advice of a licensed professional to help you make critical decisions.